All this talk of science

John West, who some might paint as bruce banner, is again on a rampage about I.D. which I thought was a step down for Speilberg but I guess not all of his movies are going to be the best. Anyway, all this talk of science made me want to get out there and do it. Well, first it made me hungry so I had a sandwich and that made me tired so I took a nap and then Les was on my case so I had to go to a board meeting but I snuck out of that and grabbed my gear and headed to the SPU wildlife preserve.

Legend has it that the wildlife preserve is a bigfoot reststop on their yearly migration from chehalis to bellingham. I might be out for a couple of days, but I'll give you a full report.

Phil Eaton, bigfoot tracker at-large, oh yeah and um... PhD, there we go

Diversity ... of Ideas

Congratulations to Dr John West for carrying the banner of Diversity to the dimensions of ideas. Dr West is the SPU sergeant at arms for subverting science to promote creationism. Dr West can add another milestone to his alread legendary track record. This time he says that schools should be inclusive of all theories of how the world came to be. We need more diversity and more reconciliation, that is what SPU stands for. Too bad Dr West couldn't give SPU a shout out in the article. Let's see if SPU gives you a shout out come pay day.

Congratulations to ME!

They said this blog wouldn't work. That we should stick to traditional forms of communicating with the students. But I said "NO!" The Falcon is crap, as is to the point and the worst of all of 'em is the stupid CFE calendars.

And Today we proved them wrong, friends. My Blog has had over 10,000 viewers since it started, averaging well over 100 views per day.

Surely this blog will live on forever or until CIS shuts me down.

Peace out fellow bloggers and blog on
Phil

The President's Symposium

A man like me, with my kind of salary, a man like that could buy a lot of chips. Too bad I already bought them all for myself. And these two are all I'm selling. Let the bidding start at $20 a bag. 

Steak and Onions

Have you tried these Steak and Onions flavored potato chips from Tim's Cascade?

Oh mi gosh. So un-freakin-believable!

I honestly thought I was eating steak with a side of onions. And then I had this thought and I was like "why not?" So I got out a plate and the A1 steak sauce and ate the chips with a knife and fork. What do you eat your chips with Steeley-boy? Your Hands???? You're never gonna get my job if you keep that up; That's soooooo base.

These chips are a-freakin-mazing. I think they only get tastier after the fith bag or so. I don't know how they do it. There use no steak or onions in the ingredients, it must be all the MSG. That eighth wonder of the world.

Why all this talk of steak potato chips? It gives us such remarkable spiritual insight. This particular chip shows us how we can enter the world of steaks but not be of the world of steaks as we are in fact chips (even though I challenge you to tell the difference by taste).

I plan to preach more on this at the next chapel. See you there.
Phil

My New Show on KSPU

Catch my new radio show on KSPU: Evangelical Eye for the Secular Guy!

I and my crack team of Evangelicals preach to secular frat boys from UW and convince them to convert to evangelicalism. We teach them to vote republican, listen to Mills Brothers music, and only watch movies released pre-1969 (the year of Midnight Cowboy) and pre-approved by Michael Medved, wear carharts, and shop in JC Whitney catlogs.

If that doesn't work we give them a map to SPU and promise them each 70 blessed virgins.

Don't miss out on the fun!
Phil

"We Want You" 

A little too lovable?

That SpongeBob is such a lovable under-the-sea friend to all. But if you ask me, he is getting a little too lovable and a lot too friendly. What is it that spongebob stands for? Do we know? Does Anyone?

The Answer is clear: Sponge Bob Stands for homosexuality. He's always running around under the sea, holding hands with his best friend patrick, a pink genitalia-esque blob, blowing bubbles (aka smoking reefer) and watching movies about "mermans." Isn't this a little bit suspicious to anyone else?
Spongebob is practically begging kids to become gay and then they can all live under the sea in their happy little homosexual paradise. Do not let this happen to your children. Friends do not let friends watch Sponge Bob.

And Sponge Bob, if that is your real name, let me tell you this: your sea anemone haven may be safe now, but one day your paradise will burn in the fiery pits of hell, a punishment of which surely you and your kind are predestined.

SPUers, I call for a boycott of everything spongebob. TV, movies, books, binders, videogames, underwear, posters, keychains. Anything with the mark of Sponge Bob is equivalent to the having stamped upon it the Mark of the Beast!

God Bless You and may he protect you against the Sponge Bobs of this world,
Phil

Meet an Outstanding SPU Student

Congratulations to Zach Cartwright, a Level Five Wizard.
Cartwright received his fifth wizard ring during a small ceremony in the Lower Moyer Learning Center. The ring was bestowed upon Cartwright for acts of bravery, service, and inspiration (listed below).
Zach is a sophmore living in Ashton who hopes to graduate in 2006 (2008 if he stays in Ashton) with a degree in Utterawesomeness*.

Cartwright's specific acheivements in these categories:
Bravery: finishing a plate of Taos Lime Squirrel at Gwinn (including the standard 2 ppunds of raw onions)
Service: two quarters of vomit clean up detail in the Ashton elevators.
Inspiration: Zach published the prized manual "Cracking the Emerson Code: How to get in late, so you can eat great."

Way to go Zach!


* For more information on this degree path contact the department chair, which is yours truly,

PhilDog

"My first act as a level five wizard will be to magically conjure up some money and babes so that the Ashton kids can party like we used to," said Cartwright.  

The Gregoire Burger

"The Gregoire Burger doesn't have the meat like Rossi." - Phil Eaton 

Gregoire strikes again!

I am the King of SPU and can do anything I want. And today I wanted a whopper.
So I snuck out of my office by joining a tour group. (Boring!)
The whopper is a classic all american meal in and of itself, but and fries and a large "Mr Pibb" (I don't care what they say about it inducing hallucinations) and I'm in heaven aka a food coma that will get me out of the rest of the day of work.

But when I got my whopper, it was deflated and gross. I just know Gregoire is behind this. If Rossi had won, we'd all be eating huge, whopping, if you will, flame broiled burgers. Instead we get nastiness.

Sure the Gregoire Whopper is highly efficient (made in record time 37 seconds from flame broiling to garnishing with strands of lettuce) and also nutrious the tomato on the actual burger is a hefty size. But who cares about tomatoes when you've got kethcup?

All in all, it was a tasty burger and that's what matters in America. God Bless the Whopper.

Keep on Flame Broiling
Phil Dog

The Great American Rossi Burger

The Great American Rossi Burger: Republican-Sized. 

Lemonade Stand Grand Opening

No one voted for my ideas, so Les made me do the lemonade stand thing.
So lame!
But I am gonna Philize it. Turn it from Lame Les Lemonade to Phil's Phreaking Phor-Real Lemonade.
It's going to be the Wheaton of Lemonade Stands.
God Bless America and God Bless my lemonade stand!

Tsunami Victims Need Our Help

You may be asking, "What is SPU doing to help with the Tsunami disaster relief?"

And the answer is simple: we're doing what we've always done to support the less blessed countries of this world. Supporting them through trickle down economics.

And now is the time to up our support. I am going to buy a new audi. The salesman will use some of my money to buy a fancy dinner at Canlis. Some of my money will continue to trickle down to the bustboy. The bustboy won't get to leave until 1am at which time he'll grab some grub from Taco Bell. The guy working the Taco Bell drive thru will invariably have some kind of relatives in the tsunami disaster and he will send all or part of his minimum wage paycheck to his family so that they can bury their dead.

This is the mastery of trickle down economics. God Bless the Gipper!

So I encourage you all to continue about your spending, possibly spending more. And try to focus on buying third world exports from the countries hit hardest by the disaster. Nikey Shoes, WalMart clothes, and those super-rad "support our troops" car ribbon magnets are all lucrative exports for south east asian countries.

Right now I am watching Animal House on TV it reminds me of me in college. I see myself as the D-Day type. And I gotta figure out a way to sneak the pizza guy in the back door with The Mrs catching me. She fixed broccoli salad tonight as a main course. Gross!

Canlis Dinner

The Mrs wanted to go out to a fancy dinner for once. No more easymac she said.
So I went to Canlis and she got some expensive seafood thing that looked gross. I ordered what I always order when I go out: mac and cheese.

The mac and cheese they brought me was gross. It had little green trees growing in it. The waiter called it "parsley." Whatever. I don't care what fancy name you have for it, it's still mold.

Gross. Once again I have to figure out how to sneak some pizza in the back door. Those pizza guys should know the drill by now. Knock at the back door and if The Mrs answers it, say it is for Dr Steele.

Peace-
Phil

ActinGonaids

Did anyone else think James Pedrick's pet project was called "Actin Gonads?" I just realized it is "acting on aids." I saw all these orange shirts with "ORPHAN" on the front and "www.actingonads.org" on the back and I was like, "I guess active gonads could lead to some orphans, but what is with the orange shirts?" I still don't understand the orange shirts (gay people like orange, gay peoplehave aids, si that the connection James?) Anyway, I'm just glad that we're not talking about James' gonads in The Response. Geez, I don't know how I could have missed this. Idiot.

No Snow!

We got screwed again. First no snow for Christmas. Then they say snow in January, but then there is no snow. These weatherman are all a part of a conspiracy and everyone is in on it. And I know who is behind it. Les Steele what other evil mongerer would taunt and tease us poor kids with hopes of snow only to what? only to crush them, beat our hopes to smitherines, and then in the midst of our broken hearts and broken dreams, he makes us go to work. Argh, that Les.

Business Models

Les is totally cracking down on this business models thing. And it is totally boring cause it has nothing to do with America's Top Model on FOX!

Here are my three business proposals. Vote on your favorite!

1. Phil Eaton's Glamour Shots. Want that beautiful, top model look for yourself. Get your picture taken with me and I guarantee that your photo will earn a 7 or higher on "hotornot.com" Since no students have access to the site, you'll have to take my word for it.


2. Huffin and Puffin to the Hymns. Looking for a worship service that lifts you up and pumps you up at the same time? Buy my new excercise video, Huffin and Puffin to the Hymns with Phil Eaton. I teach you how to work those buns for the glory of the Lord while listening to music that is sure to inspire. Phil Woodward eat your heart out!


3. SuperPhil. I become a superhero, except I charge for my services. Sure you could wait for security to come and let you in to your dorm room, or you could flash the SuperPhil SuperSignal and I'll fly up and bust in through the outside window. ($15) Tired of waiting for security to turn up your clothes that were stolen from the laundaryroom? SuperPhil will have those clothes back in no time at all,($25) And they'll be folded (for an adtnl $10). And you can be assured that when SuperPhil retrieves your clothes he invokes his own brand of justice and kicks the guy in the junk who stole your clothes (for an adtnl $35). How does Phil Eaton become SuperPhil? By "Huffin and Puffin to the Hymns," of course.

Don't forget to vote. Or suggest your own!
Phil "rolling in the dough" Eaton

Snow! Snow! Snow!

When it snows, it is going to be so frickin' rad. I am waxing up my sled right now. All you all fools studying are going to be the losers using gwinn trays on the hills. I will rule the hills, eat my snow shower.

I can't wait. I'm going to build a big wall around the grass hill behind Hill Hall. And then build my own private snow machine. I'll get like a 42 inch base on that sucka. I'll be rocking out snow-style while you fools are reading "Things Fall About" or "The Orthodox Way." but don't worry, I've got the huge wall, so none of you will be distracted by seeing me having fun.

I drew up some plans and made some totally kick butt course and maps down the hill. One I call the "the Les Steele" cause it is super slick.

Les did not receive the honors as I intended. Instead he made me work on my business class homework. He wanted three ideas. I gave him the map: The Super slick track, aka "the les steele," the Ashton Run, which comes with complimentary beer: "can you down the beer before you're down the hill?" and the Tim Dearborn run which comes with a push from me and doesn't stop until you're no longer on campus.

Les frowned on that, but gave me another day to come up with real businesses. He threatened that if I don't come up with one of my own, he's going to make me sell lemonade.

After that I came up with the special run for emerson students. Basically it is the same as what everyone else gets, but I make them pay an extra 25% to go down. Those elitist punk kids fall for it everytime.

Phil

Entering the Business World

It was frickin' cold this morning. Luckily, I got the footy pajamas. They offer protection from temperatures as low as 16 degrees, from battery acid, and from the boogey man.

Have you seen "the day after tomorrow?" Dude, in like two more weeks that is going to be a documentary man, straight truth, no fiction, know what I'm saying. It's cold!

Too cold to go to work, that's what I say. But Les says no. And made me come to work. Remember last year? we got that extra day off right at the begining of the quarter. That was rad. Except I did find yellow snow outside my back door. I'll get you, you, you meddling 6th hillers.

At work today Les had this "great" idea that during the upcoming quarter, I should start a business and operate so that I could go through a class with the students.

I looked at him and said, "are you gonna do this or am I?" He said "You are, phil." And I said, "then let me do it and get outta here. go harass students in gwinn, or ruffle feathers in the theology department."

He left me alone and I locked the door and snuck out through the bathroom window.
I hid out in Gwinn for a while munching on the fries and then putting whole plates of food in the trash just to piss off the hippies (that means you, Braden).

All in all it was a pretty rad day.

Phil

Hip Hop tribute to "The Mrs."

Welcome back to school, suckers, er... I mean Students. I hope you had a restful and relaxed holiday and that you had a chance to reflect on the many blessings God has bestowed upon us.

The Mrs is one of the great blessings God has given me. During the break, The Mrs and I had a wonderful time getting away from campus and exploring high class places that you'll never he know exist much less ever go there.

What do you get for the woman in your life? The Mrs is a special and dear lady to me. She cuts the crusts off my PBJs and got me a nice pair of footy pajamas for Christmas. So you're probably asking, what did I get for her?

I wanted to give her a gift a love, a gift from the heart, a gift that marks the special relationship we share. But Les Steele already gave her a starbucks gift card, so instead I wrote her some hip hop lyrics.

"Respect this Sister"
A Hip Hop tibute to my wife by Phil "Dawg" Eaton
Christmas 2004

She won’t speak unless its something worth saying
No playing, girl takes herself so seriously
People stay curious
Got a calmful way Never gets furious
Always luxurious, babe,
Carries herself like the cutest most purdiest
thing you’ve seen this side of the bay
Goes about her business so purposefully
She got a razor sharp wit and she just won’t quit
Like a double deluxe cheeseburger from the drive in dicks
She got the style, the smile, and finesse
And God has blessed her with a profound intellect
Select few have ever been higher rated
And they too wanna see my home girl make it

Refrain:
She smells like violets,
and all the other kids
they wanna be just like her
Sharon Eaton is my main home girl. yeah.


Peace. Be True to Yourself. Respect.
Phil "Dawg" Eaton