Black People Love Us, Yes They Do! Black People Love Us! How 'Bout You?

At the begining of this quarter I announced the appointment of two ministers of diversity. At the end of only their first quarter on campus they have done much good work.

Here are some testimonials from actual black people about John and Sally's work.

I'm a dang good president, if I do say so myself.
Peace out ya'll
Phildawg

Eaton Universe

I can't believe Miss Canada won. I totally had money on Miss Puerto Rico. She's a fox. The Miss Universe judges seemed to have Missed the point of the contest. You're supposed to elect the hottest one. That's how I voted for president (Bush vs. Herman Munster, c'mon) and that's also how I got my job. (Me vs. Les Steele: it was a landslide!)
Miss Canada probably bribed them with maple syrup or smoked salmon Popsicles or some other Canada stupidness.

But I don't want to give the impression that hotness is all that validates a woman. The most important thing a woman can be is a good cook. The Mrs whips up the tastiest Brownies every Christmas. Or look at that Carl’s Jr. commercial with Paris Hilton. She's hot, but she can't make me that burger, so what good is she?

PHILBLOG IS ONE YEAR OLD!!!!!

Happy Blog Anniversary to me! Nearly 9,000 visitors proved that this university president's over 160 poetic waxings are worthy of academic study.
They said I would never make it. That I didn't have the stamina. That I could not keep up the blog because Dick's Drive In doesn't have internet service. Well we proved them wrong. Not only was the philblog a success, but it got more readers than any of my Seattle Times Op-Ed pieces or any Chapel convocation. Take that to the bank Steeley-boy! 

Guess who is still Gay? Elijah Wood!

He is so gay it makes me want to vomit! I just want to haul lumber in a pick up truck to make up for the emasculation with which he threatens the entire gender. Can't president Bush's terrorism unit do anything about the threat that Eljiah Wood poses to us all?

I am doing everything I can to prevent him from ever coming here.

Reasons Elijah Wood should never be allowed to come to SPU.

1. SPU cannot afford the cost of security to protect him from the throngs of UScholar girls who will flock to him and pass out when they see him.
2. We'd have to build a separate dorm for him. We have the rich dorm, the nerd dorm, the homestyle dorm, the slut dorm, but where is the gay dorm. We already destroyed Marston.
3. Free Methodism does not accept converts from the cult known as "The Fellowship"
4. SPU students can't smoke unless they are Asian. No exceptions for Elijah.
5. Only kids named after characters in the Bible in the New Testament are allowed at SPU. Afterall we are under the new covenant.
6. His LOTR work may be transferable as literature credit, but he'd have to make up like a gazillion credits of CORE and UFDN classes.
7. Elijah Wood is a terrorist.
8. SPU students aren't allowed to date foreigners.
9. Even if he was a student at SPU, he would still be given only bit parts in the "student" theatre productions.
10. He melts in the rain.

Elijah = Batman?

Elijah Wood, you're no Christian Bale. So don't even try. 

Victoria Day (And Other Stupid Things about CANADA)

Today all Canadians are celebrating Victoria Day. But does Phil get the day off? "NOOoooooo" says evil canadian lover Les Steele.
I bet Les is a Canada-lover because all Canadians are totally lame and Les is a lover of all things totally lame like books, computers, and Starbucks (long live Tullys).

Ten Reason Why Canada Sucks

1. They dip french fries in mayonaise
2. Canadian Bacon is inferior to American Bacon.
3. They like the French.
4. They wear funny hats.
5. Their Beer sucks. (ahem, all Beer sucks but canada's sucks even more)
6. The Pot leaf on their national flag.
7. Vast areas of wasteland without a walmart.
8. They gave us the evil Michael J Fox, who plagued the God Blessed USA with Alex P Keaton, and let us not forget "Life with Mikey." *Shudder*
9. No good food. Have you ever heard someone say "let's stay in and order some canadian food"?
10. They celebrate Christmas one day too late.

Response

The new Response magazine came out today and it totally blows.
The picture of me in there makes me look fat.
Hmpf.

Music: "In My Room" by the Beach Boys
Mood: Betrayed.

STAR WARS opens in theaters!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fans who waited in line finally get relief.

Dr Kevin Bartlett and Dr McDonald make a quick reststop before finding their seat in the theater. . 

More proof that Elijah Wood is Gay

Elijah with cupcakes, eye makeup, and a mouse nibbling at his ear = GAY 

Beam me up!

More proof that Elijah Wood is gay 

Batman BEGINS!!!!!!

I can wait for this movie to come out! It is gonna be TIGHT!!
Everything is so much cooler in this movie. Whoa. The cape is like made of suped up polyfiber superhero material. I think they said it was spandex and kevlar and hairs from every actor to ever play batman.
Christian Bale is so hot. I am so glad they picked him to play Batman instead of Elijah Wood.
Elijah Wood is GAY
Him and his Hobbit friends shouldn't have been allowed to come back to the U.S. after filming their gay movie in New Zealand.
Argh, I can't stand that Elijah Wood.

Just another Friday night in Moyer! 

I stopped by Moyer last night and joined the party going on down there. That's Moyer alum Scott Johnson in the auxillary computer booth up there. 

Millions of Slurpees, Slurpees for me

Did you know that different 7-Elevens have different flavors of slurpees? Our little one next door has the same four flavors for years at a time. But other 7-11s change it up every month:
Here are my favorites from the past:

Classic Coke
Mountain Dew
Mountain Dew Code Red
Mountain Dew Electric Berry
Mountain Dew "Darth Dew" (I haven't tried it yet, but I am sure I am gonna lvoe it because I love EVERYTHING about Star Wars).
Banana
Cherry Coke
Pina Colada (oh, the Pina Colada was just a slice of heaven. Curse thee "limited time offer")
Berry Sprite Remix (approved by the Chicago Rabbinical Council)
Pink Lemonade
Diet Pepsi
Minute Maid Orange.



I am a president, and just like the presidents of the United States of America, I'm going to write a song dedicated to my favorite food: Slurpees.




Chorus A:

Heading to 7-11,
gonna drink me a lot of slurpees,
Heading to 7-11,
gonna drink me a lot of slurpees,
Heading to 7-11,
gonna drink me a lot of slurpees,
Heading to 7-11,
gonna drink me a lot of slurpees,
[wow]

Slurpees come from a store,
it is one we all adore,
on the corner of downtown.
If I had my little way,
I'd drink slurpees everyday
and never get icecream headaches

[Chorus A]

Taking little naps, while meetings I miss
gets les steele all in a twist
and I dream about my woman.
wake up and grab my tasty slurpee
it always makes me super happy
so I want to eat snacks and write po..et.. try

[slow build back into the B chorus]

Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.

[rock out for abit and then back into to the B chorus again]

Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for me;
Millions of slurpees, slurpees for free.

Invisible Eaton ...or... Grease Fire in Little Tokyo

Haven't seen much of me lately, have you?
I recently attained superpowers (specifically, invisibility) while eating at SPU's little Tokyo/Korea town/Chinatown/Thai town/ general International district also known as "The SUB," but officially titled "Falcons' Landing."

I had my usual: double cheeseburger phildog style, which means double the bacon, double the cheese, double the grilled onions, and double everything else even the sesame seeds.

Today, I took it up a notch: double everything on a regular burger and then add another 7%.
Surely this burger is better than anything you could buy at UW. And even if you do find a better burger at UW, that burger is consigned to hell. An SPU burger is a burger that you can take to heaven with you.
(SPU also has a good history of taking a good burger and yoking it with a heavenly side of fries. So if you're looking for a good hook-up, that is what SPU is best at.)

With the 7% extra ingredients, I gained new life. It was a baptism by grease fire. I now have the ability to become invisible.

It is wicked awesome to use it when driving down the hill to my office. The homely hill hall types freak out when they see the driver-less Audi.

It also comes in handy when those pesky Falcon reporters come around asking me the tough questions, like how to spell facist, fastest, facelift, fascist or something, they keep tossing that one big word around. I don't know. I just pat them on the head and give them a Werther's Original and that shuts them up. Now, I can just turn invisible. And I get to keep the Werther's BONUS!

The one drawback is that when I am invisible, all photos of me disappear too! So if this blog ain't working right, take heart in knowing that I am using my new found superpowers to get out of work and sneak into Gwinn for a free lunch.

Phil Dawg, The Invisible

Treat Your Mother Right!

No cheesy hallmark card can capture the love I have for my mother.
Nor can flowers, whose beauty is fleeting, represent the Love my mother and I share.

So what did I get mom for mother's day? A rap tribute sung by Mr T.!

If you haven't gotten a gift for your mother, maybe you should give her a call and sing along.

Lyrics:
Chorus:
Mother
There is no other
Like Mother
So treat Her right
Mother
I always Love Her
My Mother
So treat Her right, treat Her right


M is for the moan, and the miserable groan
from the pain that She felt when I was born

O is for the oven with it's burnin' heat
where She stood makin' sure I had something to eat

T is for the time that She stayed up at night
and took my temperature when I wasn't feelin' right

H is for the hard earned money She spent
to keep clothes on my back and try to pay da' rent

E is every wrinkle I put on Her face
and every worry that I caused when I stayed out late

The last letter R is that She taught me Respect
and for the room up in Heaven that I know She'll get

Chorus

She's a Queen
Second to none
Take care of Mother
You only get one

Chorus

::End song::


That was AWESOME!
But still not enough to show mom I love her.
So I am gonna throw in the video!

Phildog

The "After" Party

You know, it wasn't just the chimichangas from yesterday. Gwinn always seems to have the same effect on me. You know what I am talking about.
So I wrote a little ditty about the infamous "the Gwinns"

Give it a listen

As President of SPU I am always engaging the culture. You've seen my wicked awesome hip hop skills. Some in those circles call me "lyricus" after the greek God who invented music.

But today I will revolutionize the alternatived music industry. Bowie? Beck? Weezer? AMATUERS!

Peace-Phil

"Cinco de Mayo" means "We're having Gorditos tonight"

Gorditos is ssounds soooooooooo good right now. Cinco de Mayo, baby, Yahooooooo!
Or should I say "Aye caramba!"
I can't wait to take on a whole grande burrito. If I finish it in thirty minutes, Les said he'd pay for it. He is so going down. Not only does he have to pay for it, but he'll have to listen to that mexican polka music.
Also, gorditos is an authentic mexican restaurant. That includes the water. Les is a strict "Pepsi only" kinda guy, but Gorditos only serves coke! What is Les to do? Coke or dirty mexican water?
Choices. Choices. Choices. Argh.
All I have to decide is whether to get my burrito wet or dry. I had dry for lunch, so it'll be wet tonight!

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Phil

Meanwhile Back at the Ranch...

This guy is going to make a lot of McNuggets! 

The Hounds of Heaven

Jesus once said "ya'll be giving unto the least of dees you be giving unto me." That's why you better bust out some cold hard cash next time a homeless guy propositions you for a handout. If not, Jesus will embody that man and get your money... by stabbing you... with a steak knife... near the burger king...

So next time the tithing plate passes by, drop some coin in there for the Big J.C. Or he'll come get it from you.

24

24 was awesome tonight! Did you see it? Audrey is totally a bitch, reminds me of Bri Clark a little. If it was anybody but Paul Reines I would have let him die. For example, if it were Bollinger on the table I would have, no second thoughts, in fact not even second defibulation. And it was totally awesome when Jack busted in China's embassy. That's what I'd do, if the country was on the line or if they had the only mallomars left in the country. And oh did you see the part when president Logan called in help from the former president. That'll be me when Les takes over in forty years. He'll be like totally calling me, "Phil, I'm in a bind: are the 'oops' oreos really the result of a factory mistake because I don't know if I should be eating them if they are." That's the kind of situation only a master President can handle. They're totally safe; the "oops" is just a marketing gimmick.

SPU Secret Agent Phil

Supersize SPU

The newest addition to the UC school system will open in five months. UC Merced's first class will be 1,000 students. A mere one third the size of SPU. SPU is still on top of the game. We might not offer the "rigorous" "agricultural program" that UC Merced does, but we do have a hip growing university that can kick your ass in basketball.

But the expansion of the UC system gives me an idea: Expand SPU!

I already have the perfect location.

901 Fairview Ave N #C-100, Seattle WA 98109 (see map provided below)

I know it is pretty close to home, but it has other advantages:

-Bollinger will not be around the main campus much anymore, which is always a good thing.
-The Pope Eaton conclave afterparty will be much cooler than champagne and ice cream.
-The secret chicken wings recipe could be the lynchpin for boosting gwinn from second in the nation to first in the nation.
-Attract more star atheletes for our mens basketball team.
-Attract more star atheletes for our women's crew team.
-More guys might apply to SPU.
-It will serve as an on going laboratory for the ongoing drama of humanity.
-Hooters girls only want you to buy an extra side of chicken wings instead of the diamond engagement ring requisiteof most SPU girls. Which means more money that students can save for me, er... tuition.
-Certain Biology profs just can't keep the students interested as well as Hooters girls would be able to. Clearly this move is engaging the academic mission of the university.

If this expansion goes well, maybe we'll incorporate 1315 First Avenue as well,
See ya there!

Phil Dawg

Map to SPU Extension Campus

Highway to boobies! 

SPU Reaching Out to the local community

The presence of the SPU extension campus located at the Hooters restaurant, converted the staff their. So the Hooters' Girls begin their ministry to those less fortunate.