Adventures at Golden Gardens

I went to Golden Gardens last night and these four guys tried to beat me up and was like "back off, punks!"
Then I roundhouse kicked them in the face. They all started crying like a bunch of babies. I told them to shut their mouths or get kicked in the balls. They started begging for mercy. So I said, "why don't we let God decide if you deserve mercy?" And threw them in the water.

I don't know if they ever washed up, but now they and we all know that I am the awesomest president/pope candidate/professor/real estate developer and that I am not afraid to make tough choices at a moments notice, to take life by the horns, to stand up for God.

Phil

Phil Eaton Super Cookies

A year ago on this day rumors were started that I was leaving my post as President of SPU.
But those idiotic "Centurions" were sooooo wrong.
It is a year later and I am still here. And why? Because

I


AM


AWESOME!!!!!!!!



That's right. And as a commemorative gift to you, my blogger buddies, I am giving you a special treat: the coveted super secret recipe for....

Phil Eaton Super Cookies.
You will need:
- 5 lbs bag of chocolate chips.
- 32 oz jar of peanut butter
- spoon.

Directions:
Step 1: Take the spoon and give it a swirl in the peanut butter. You should get a hearty glob on the end of the spoon to make for a good "super cookie."
Step 2: Dip the peanut butter covered spoon into the chocolate chips.
Step 3: Lick the spoon like a lollipop.

Yields: one super cookie, but can repeated for hours of delight.

It's a simple recipe, I'm sure even a frosh from the dishroom at the cafeteria could handle this culinary mastery.

Peace Out
Phil

Did you know....

Did you know that Mexicans can be mormons?
Except they call it "La Iglesia de Jesus Christo de los santos de ultimos dias."
I did not know that. That is so amazing.
The things you can learn if you just hang out at Burger King all day.

Phil "Still in awe at the wonders of this world" Eaton

Abraham Lincoln is not Gay!

I don't care what anybody says, Abraham Lincoln was not gay.
I asked him, "Hey Abe, maybe we should get together for a beer or two after this whole civil war thing is over"
He said, "Phil, I don't swing that way."
At first I thought he didn't like me cause I be from the South, but then
He said, "Phil, I like you. You're a good guy. But I think we should just be friends."
Then he gave me a wink and tipped his top hat to me and grabbed marytodd around the waist and planted one on her long and hard.
He has a log named after him for a reason. Only Mary Todd knows why.

Hail to the Pope!

Long Live the Pope! ("That's me!") 

Ante Ojos De SOUL MAN

I be all chil' with dees pimp sunglasses yo!

Oakley Thump Sunglasses allow me to listen to my favorite tunes while I thump out administrative pencil-necks like Les Steele. 

Clone of ANN COULTER first accepted student of new 2005-2006 school year. 

Ann Coulter Comes to SPU!

But before all you young republicans sign up for a fifth year, out of all fairness, you should know that it is not actually the famed "Ms. Right," but rather the clone of Ann Coulter.

Background to the Story:

The New Pope was picked today. Ratzinger, the German. The Germans have given us some great things (and I'm not talking about Polka music), so I'm sure he'll be a good Pope. Not a GREAT pope, like I would have been. But I'll just have to wait until this one dies and then start up the campaign again. I promise to keep running my campaign for Pope until I am 120. At that age, I'll retire officially and feel a lot less guilty for playing Nintendo all day.

Just because I wasn't chosen as the next Pope, doesn't mean I'm the kind of guy who will sit around pouting and eating Ben And Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream all day. (At least not for more than 5 hours.) Today I made a bold move to take this campus in a new direction.

Inspired by Ratzinger's conservative ways, I decided to bring Ann Coulter to our beloved Campus. She said she'd melt if she went this far into a liberal city like Seattle. So instead she is going to send a test clone to see if levels of liberalism are safe for her here.

As an act of good faith, I immediately enrolled the Ann Coulter clone into our institution. The Coulter Clone will start taking classes at SPU in the fall of 2005.

The admission process for the next academic year is just getting started and most SPU caliber students are still procrastinating on their admissions essays, but I decided to accept the Coulter Clone early and register her/him... er, "IT" has the first student of the new class. Anyone who applies to SPU gets accepted so just getting accepted was not honor enough for a fine student.

Look for her on the popular online community "Friendster."

Phil Dawg,

(Bollinger, if I've raised you Right, you will spend time on Friendster looking for her, you horny school boy conservative.)

MUVO or Lose-O

I am a totally hip president. I am down with the kids' culture. Sometimes they ask me, "Phil dawg, how you be so cool all the time? You know more about hip hop and the haps of brad and jen than anyone on campus. You be stylin', dawg!"

"Tis true, tis true," I say.

And that is why I was first in line at Wal Mart to get the brand new MUVO. It is totally sweet. Much better than the silly, antiquated iPod. iPod be all shame faced and tuck tailed now.

Who needs Apple when you got Wal Mart? I got the MUVO do you? Les doesn't. Don't you? Don't be like Les.

Once more: Muvo kicks butt and if you want to be cool, too, then you better rush to get one.

Phil Dawg Eaton

Christianity 1, Evilution 0

Today a swarm of toxic toads descended upon the tiny town of Darwin on the continent of Australia.
Oh the irony is delicious.
Maybe if Darwin had never invented evolution these highly evolved toxic frogs wouldn't have descended on your namesake town, ruining it for everyone by giving everyone in the town toxic hemmaroids.
Darwin is so gay. gosh. if it is not clear now just how wrong Darwin was then I don't know.
Even les could see it. geez.

Phil

Eaton's 12

The Movie Ocean's 12 came out today DVD. That movie was totally sweet. I reserved it on my netflix account like three weeks ago. I got it in the mail today and watched it like three times. I realized watching it that I am a lot like Brad Pitt. But then I watched it again and maybe I am more like George Clooney. The third time though I got it for sure: I'm some combination of both of them, but Les Steele is definitely the wanna-be leader Matt Damon. Poor Damon, he costars with Pitt and Clooney all the time but he never gets voted sexiest man alive. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I guess we can't all be the best.

Having a gang of criminals is cool and I want my own. But who would be in it? Our target? Dale's stash of mallomars. He keeps them in a deep freeze three stories below the C-store. Guarded 24/7 by trigger happy, zit faced freshman work study students. After that we have to get around the lazers and combination locks. And then not be distracted by the halls of "wicked awesome" framed movie posters. Are you up for it?


Phil

GARDEN STATE

I watched Garden State four times today. That movie is totally rad and Zach Braff is totally a genius I don't care what anybody says.

See how I am reaching out to the Jewish community by acknowledging one of their own? I am so ready to be Pope.
One rule for my reign as pontiff though: Les Steele doesn't get to come along.

Phil

Eaton for Pope!

My campaign is having a hard time getting off the ground. I have been out kissing babies' foreheads, but then found out that wasn't a baby at all but rather Dr. Spina!

I just know that I could be Pope but they need to hear from you, the people's lives who I have touched.

Please post testimonials about how I, Phil Eaton, have touched your lives with the Holy Spirit.

Maybe an example about how tuition hikes encourage you to tithe or how Urban Plunge helped you understand Eminem's songs about life on the streets. Or about the really moving convocation about the importance of giving us money even after you've graduated. I am sure you all have stories like this, so please get them out there.

We are planning a candle light vigil later next week. More detailes to come!

Phil "Pope-to-be" Eaton

The Pope and I

It is so sad and tragic to see The Pope go so early. I feel like he could have lead us into another millenium. He looked good last time I saw him. I am surprised to see him go so early. I am happy for him that he is in Heaven with the Father, but I am sad that I didn't have more time to prepare my campaign.

It is like we were separated at birth, The Pope and I. We are both so congenial. Both dynamic leaders for our time. Leading the way and lifting high the cross over the world. I would be a most excellent next Pope. I have travelling around the world to prepare (well just to AZ for Mariner's spring training, but it is the same concept) and I am always flanked by fans who reach out to touch my garments in hopes to be directly touched by the Holy Spirit. I have worked so hard to include other religions and races into the university. (Look at yesterday's post!)

I am a good guy and I hope all you know that and remember that when election day for Pope comes up.

Les Steele says that people don't get to vote for Pope. Idiot. This is America. American Freedom means we do what we want. And if we want to vote for Pope, by God, we'll do it.

Phil "Pope-to-be" Eaton

Black People Love SPU

If they don't, they will soon!

Les Steele and Dr Braden were up in arms that I haven't "really" done anything. Today I am pleased to shatter their narrow-minded, stuffed-shirt, all work and no play mindset.

I am pleased to announce the appointment of two new Ministers of Race Relations. Please welcome to the SPU community Sally and Johnny. They will help lead us in developing a kingdom vision and getting this campus more diversified.

Black people love sally and johnny and so we love Sally and Johnny.

To read their credentials, please visit: www.blackpeopleloveus.com

Yo Yo Yo Peace Out!
Phil-Dawg

Dr Eaton a.k.a. Dr Smoothie

Want to know another reason why I am a kick-butt University President?
I know that you know I already am. Who doesn't?
Who could ever deny it?
Reason number 4157 that Phil Dawg Eaton is the best university president ever: I make the world's awesomest smoothies. I just learned how to make them today and I've already had six. And the best part is The Mrs says they are ok to eat because it is like drinking a fruit.

My favorite smoothie recipe: One whole banana (good sized, robust, full of flavor and healthy potassium), 1/2 cup milk, 2 cups chocolate ice cream, add whipped cream, cherry, crushed peanuts, caramel, and chocolate syrup for topping.

I know what you're thinking: damn that sounds like a good smoothie, how did you ever come up with that? It's simple: I'm a genius and you're not. Yes my friends, with my new smoothie diet I will be on the fast track to being a leaner, meaner, more loquacious university president.

Of course, smoothie's aren't cheap, so you can expect a tuition increase. But think of it this way: you the students reap the benefits. Pay more money > Phildawg gets his twice daily smoothies > phildawg becomes best university president ever > Les steele fumes in jealousy.

Everybody wins!

Signed,
Dr Smoothie formerly known as President Eaton

Children are our future and the future is fat

The big news today was that children are fatter and less active than ever before.
Children are less likely to dabble in illegal drugs, join violent gangs, or engage each other sexually.
Basically, when today's kids go to the mall, they are going there to actually shop.
What a bunch of Lame-Os. Generation of Gout on America's history, I say.
This generation lacks the vigor, the determination, the prowess, the resolute spirit of a previous generation that made someone such as myself such a dynamic leader of this university.

Children of the SPU Family it is time to ask yourself one question: what do you want your future to look like?
Do you want to be the totally hip, popular, powerful, artful and wise leaders of the future like myself?
Or do you want to be learned lame-Os, boring bookworms, nerdy nerds, and meager mathematicians like Les?

As incentive to sprout activity among the proletariat, er... today's youth, I will determine the tuition increase percentage by the point spread at the end of the International Phil Eaton Jai Alai Competition.

I already feel sorry for you suckers!
PHIL

Never say Never....

To my critics, I offer these bold initiatives that I took today:
-I woke up before noon (11:58am PST)
-Managed to fill every square hole in my waffles with syrup and butter.
-Thanks to getting up early, I was able to catch a matinee at the movie theatre. (Spoiler alert: Sin City is not a documentary about Salt Lake City.)
-Ate celery
-Cut down afternoon naptime by one hour (25%!)
-Stopped my car for those crossing 6th avenue from Hill to Gwinn.