Children are our future and the future is fat

The big news today was that children are fatter and less active than ever before.
Children are less likely to dabble in illegal drugs, join violent gangs, or engage each other sexually.
Basically, when today's kids go to the mall, they are going there to actually shop.
What a bunch of Lame-Os. Generation of Gout on America's history, I say.
This generation lacks the vigor, the determination, the prowess, the resolute spirit of a previous generation that made someone such as myself such a dynamic leader of this university.

Children of the SPU Family it is time to ask yourself one question: what do you want your future to look like?
Do you want to be the totally hip, popular, powerful, artful and wise leaders of the future like myself?
Or do you want to be learned lame-Os, boring bookworms, nerdy nerds, and meager mathematicians like Les?

As incentive to sprout activity among the proletariat, er... today's youth, I will determine the tuition increase percentage by the point spread at the end of the International Phil Eaton Jai Alai Competition.

I already feel sorry for you suckers!
PHIL