"Must Love Mallomars"

60ish, greying university president seeks new dean of student life to run daily affairs on campus and take me out to ice cream.
The ideal candidate would be someone who enjoys forcing students not to drink. Should probably be Christian.
Hippies who care more about recycling than the university making money need not apply.

Admissions... Argh, Admissions.....

So Les says we have to let people into SPU based on merit. The only merit I need is to see how many mallomars one could eat in a week. It's a long time, I know, I designed it to test your endurance.
But Nooooooooooooo, that test isn't could enough for Les. Now I have to read all these letters from applicants.
Here is a typical letter:

Dear President Eaton,
I've been thinking of going to SPU. I've been praying about it a lot.
Blah Blah Blah crap about divine calling blah blah blah
Can you tell me more about SPU?
Sincerely,
Some Poor Lame-O

I hate reading letters. Instead, if you want to apply to SPU, you should submit your photo to www.hotornot.com and let democracy take action. God bless the Greeks for inventing democracy and the internet. But God also condemn the Greeks for the falafel. Gooey chickpea, mayonaise infested turd in a pita bread. Yelch! How can Steele stand this stuff. Oh, that's right he's a nerd.

My work here is done, folks.
I RULE!

Peace Out
Phil

Being President

Today I ate 16 corndogs in gwiin, drank 7 glasses of chocolate milk, then passed out.
I woke up four hours later and that way didn't have to pay to get in for dinner.
If that's not being the best gosh darn president you've ever seen at a University or Company or Nation-State, then I don't know how to please. Unless.... would you be please to know that at dinner I downed 12 egg rolls and 3 glasses of that powerade-orange juice combo that the crew team drinks. Yelch! But I did it. Can Clyde Cook do that? Can Bill Gates eat 56 peeps in thirty minutes? Can Vicente Fox hide 1.5 lbs of brocolli from his dinner plate so that the Mrs wont catch him feeding it to the dog?

Phil Eaton, "The Great"

Abercrombie Petition

I have received a lot of emails complaining that Abercrombie and Fitch would not be included in the SPU->Mall transition.
So I asked the Apprentice Guy Alex Thomason, "if you were gonna make one change to SPU, what would it be?"
He said we should add more required theology courses. Which seems like a sound suggestion because SPU is all about the Christianity thing and the academic thing. But it also sounds like something Les Steele would totatlly say. Steele=Bogus!
So, I'm going for the changing the world part. Specifically, changing the world's clothes. Cause I saw those pictures of the Tsunami victims and the look so helpless. Who is going to give them clothes? SPU's Abercrombie Outlet Store.
Yes! SPU will now have a Abercrombie & Fitch Outlet Store located in the old C-store so that you can pick up a new wardrobe before going to Gwinn. You don't want to be out of style in Gwinn.

Also, for the grand opening the store will passing out those free naked model bookcovers that are so popular with girls on campus these days. It is great to see such appreciation for art these days' youth.

PHiziZiL

Church Challenge

Last night I cut loose with my old friend James Pedrick. I watched him down 78 twinkies in 30minutes. A new personal record for James, but it still doesn't beat my record of 135. Keep working, boy!

Today The Mrs woke me up to go to church but I was still bending from my twinkie binge. Church was especially lame today. Crusty Ol' Abbott was preaching on the power of God. And I was like "Hey Abbott! Could God microwave a burrito so hot that it'd burn His own tongue?"

That shut him up.

Eaton1::Abbott 0

Eaton Wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now... back to the twinkies...

Phil "Ganadora" Eaton

Engaging the Mall, Changing the Campus

Les dragged me to what he calls "the cultural hotspot of northgate" he wanted me to study secular kids and the trends that surround them so that SPU "engage" that. I'm like "Dude, I've been to the mall. I know what it's all about."

Everyone knows that what "engaging" means. It means boys and girls can hold hands. And everyone knows holding hands gets you pregnant. (Remember that episode of Happy Days?)

So what would the spawn of SPU and the Northgate mall look like?
Answer: Freaking Rad!

Here are my changes:
1. Tiffany Loop is now the Tiffany Food Court.
2. In addition to the "Tiffany Food Court" location there will also be a Dairy Queen next to Ashton Hall.
3. Weter Memorial Library is now "Weter Memorial 'Tilt' Video Arcade Hut." (Rule #1 at the arcade: no one is allowed to beat my high score on Double Dragon.)
4. Martin Square is now the Martin Atrium/Lost Child play area.
5. Orange Julius stand outside Demaray Hall.
6. Dale demoted to janitor endlessly mopping outside Footlocker.
7. GAP clothes are the new school uniform. Petitions will be accepted if you want to wear Ralph Lauren.
8. Library replaced with the largest Suncoast Movie and Video Game rental store.
9. Another Dairy Queen outside my office.
10. Every Friday after thanksgiving we have a big parade around campus and I get to be Santa Claus!

If Les Steele would just see the light and authorize these changes, then SPU would not be boring anymore. Until then I am spending my time on campus sleeping or eating mallomars cause that's all this job is good for.

-PHIL "MALL RAT" EATON

Will You Accept the CHALLENGE?

Here I am playing ninja turtles and being awesome.
Here's Boring Les Steele interrupting me being awesome: "Phil, Ninja turtles are going to have to wait. You have to go to the soeak at something stupid."
Here's me: kicking shredder's metallic butt on ninja turtles old school SNES.
Les says: "Phil when you accepted the role as president you accepted that sometimes you'd have to do things you wouldn't enjoy."
And I said to him. "And when you accepted the role as vice president of academic affairs, you accepted..... the physical challenge. For this physical challenge, we've constructed a giant chocolate volcano which erupts with fudge every seven seconds. in that fudge is.... an orange flag. find the orange flag, slide down the other side of the mountain into the pool of jello and gummi fish and place the flag on the angler's hook and do it all in less that 45 seconds and you could win... a trip to universal studios florida!"
Les then stared at me for a long time, then without saying anything he left. I totally stumped his little nerd brain. He couldn't handle the physical challenge.

Phil: 1
Les: 0

I win!

Phil

Eaton Ice Cream Flavor of the Dizzay: Chewy SPU-ey

Making my own ice cream is totally Rad! I am gonna make better flavors than Ben and Jerry.
My first flavor combines all the good things of SPU. And by good, I mean food you can get for free.
Ice Cream Bars from Centurions, Cookies from SPRINT teams, Jelly Beans, Mallomars from thr C Store, Golden Grahams from Gwinn, and Pizza from just about every other student organization on campus.

I call it the Chewey SPU-ey and it is so AWESOME! It's like a meal in itself. Screw the slim fast I'm downing CHEWY SPU-eys for breakfast, lunch and as a sensible dinner. What makes more sense than a shake for dinner especially for an on-the-go university president?

I gotta get back to my Warcraft game before all my peasant huts are destroyed.

PHIL

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge - Day 10

I was gearing up for another day of ice cream galore. But when I went to the freezer, I found my entire stock pile was gone again. Bogus. If Steeley boy keeps stealing my ice cream and eating he is going to balloon up. Instead of the ice cream there was non fat frozen yogurt. Argh. And it was "plain" flavored. STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELE!
I couldn't even buy Ben and Jerry's at the C-Store. Dale said he was on special orders from my Mrs and I couldn't even bribe him with a 30lbs bag of cheetos.
So it was back to the house and to the non fat plain frozen yogurt, when I remembered my secret candy bar stash (a.k.a "the complete works of chaucer"). I threw the yogurt in the blender with about 5 or six butterfinger bars and made myself a blizzard. It was AAWWWWWWWWESOME! So now I figure screw Ben and Jerry's I'll make my own flavors from now on. It is cheaper and healthier because it is non fat.

Today's flava: The Eaton Improv Special.

Peace out homies.
PHiZIL DiZAWG

Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Challenge - Day 9

Les and the Mrs keep stealing my ice cream. They are total tools. They're the kind of people who if they were going to school here, they'd request to live in moyer! I would live in an off campus house with my rock band and large freezer full of ben and jerry's ice cream. And everynight we'd down a pint every ten minutes until someone passes out from their ice cream headache and then we'd up it to a pint every seven minutes.

Les and The Mrs. can keep their Irish Oatmeal from trader joes, I'll keep my Oatmeal cookie dough ice cream from Ben and Jerry's.

peace out, homies
PHIL

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge - Day 8

You know what is rad about ice cream? When there is a lot of ice cream for me to eat. Which was the case today because I ate a lot. Todays flavor was chocolate chip cookie dough which is quite possibly the world's greatest ice cream. But I decided to do a taste test of all the previous days ice cream flavors just to make sure. Mmmm.... mmmm... yep: they are still good!

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge - Day 7

Didn't think I'd make it through the weekend did you? Didn't think I could scoop it out. Well, when it comes to Phil vs. the Ice Cream. Let me just say this: Phil 7, Ice Cream 0. Boo Yah!!!!!

Today I will not only keep up the challenge, but I can also complete my normal Sunday routine: Watching the Godfather trilogy. Because the movies are awesome.

How can I do both? Today's flava: The Gobfather

And since the movie is a trilogy, I think I get three pints today, right?
Wait, who am I asking, I am president, I do what I want.

Phil "Prezzy" Eaton

P.S. I think I might help my self to some "Chubby Hubby" just because that was soooo good. Mmmmm...

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge - Day 6

Today was going to be chocolate chip cookie dough, but when I went to the freezer, The Mrs. had stolen it away! In it's place she put a flavor called "Chubby Hubby." If you think ice cream is making me so fat, why did you replace my ice cream with more ice cream? If it's ice cream, I can eat it! Boo-ya-kasha!

Today's "flava" :
Chubby Hubby

-Phil Daaaaaawg

P.S. Your plan totally back fired, because Chubby Hubby was delicious and I can't wait to finish going through all the ben and jerry's flavors just so that I can do a repeat on "chubby hubby"

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge - Day 5

You know, sometimes Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream is all I have to look forward to each day. I have to go into work and Les is making me read the "Response" magazine article he always writes for me.

Here's my response: More Ice Cream!

Today's flavor: Karamel Sutra Original Ice Cream

Phil "Phreaking For Real" Eaton

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge - Day 4

Whoever said being a University President was easy, never had to eat four gallons of ice cream in four days.
(Before eating the awesome flavored ice cream I eat some plain old vanilla kinda to remind myself of how much Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream rocks my face off.)

Yesterday after eating the dave matthews ice cream, Les dragged me into work. Hmrpf. So today I needed some therapy: chocolate therapy.

Today's flavor: Chocolate Therapy

Phil "feeling blue" Eaton

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge - Day 3

I love Dave Matthews. So, when I found out he made ice cream I was stoked.
So today's flavor is: Dave Matthews Brand Magic Brownies

This one is so good it is easy to keep up, suckers!

Phil

Ben and Jerry's Challenge Day 2

Today's flavor is Marsha Marsha Marshmallow and it is delicious. oh mi gosh. Mmmmmmm.....

Phil

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Challenge

Blogger buddies, prove yourselves on the field of battle!
Your might, your wit, your stamina, will all be challenged.
Can you eat a half gallon of ice cream in 15 minutes?
Can you do that everyday until you've eaten every flavor Ben and Jerry ever made?

Today's flavor:
Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream

I'm in the lead already today, you better get scoopin'!

Phil

Eaton at the Movies!

Blogging is the how youth say? "shiznit?" But it doesn't beat a summer at the movies. Free air conditioning, tons of good food like popcorn and sausages. And of course, a whole lotta comedy and drama and action action action!

So I present to you, Eaton's Guide to the movies Summer 2005.


HUSTLE AND FLOW
It is nice to see that my reign as SPU president is an inspiration to people all over the country. Even in illiterate Memphis, people need to know that when you set your mind to it, anything is pimpossible.


WAR OF THE WORLDS
In case this actually happens, you all should know that SPU has a tripod proof bomb shelter underneath the new science building. However, due to capacity regulations, only the 250 richest students will be allowed to survive. Everyone else will have to take their chances in the Moyer basement prayer room. (P.S. no making out in the prayer room even if it is your last night on earth)


BATMAN BEGINS
Les Steele wouldn’t let me see Batman for some reason. Strange. More on this later…


BEWITCHED
I knew it! I’ve known it since I saw her in Dogville, but nobody believed me.
This proves it. I know it. Will Ferrel knows it. Won’t you finally admit that Nicole Kidman really is a witch?


HERBIE RELOADED
My Audi could kick Herbie’s ass.


HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE
Why didn’t I think of this when I remodeled the Hilford House? Then I wouldn’t have to drive the 1/2 block commute to work, I could just move my house next door.


CRASH
When it comes to race relations, I say look to the cookie! Mallomars’ goodness comes from the combination of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate. (Although, it is the chocolate that holds back the cookies from being delivered during the summer.)


RIZE:
If you think these hip hop dancers have fast moves, you should see me when I am stealing cookies from gwinn.