Engaging the Mall, Changing the Campus

Les dragged me to what he calls "the cultural hotspot of northgate" he wanted me to study secular kids and the trends that surround them so that SPU "engage" that. I'm like "Dude, I've been to the mall. I know what it's all about."

Everyone knows that what "engaging" means. It means boys and girls can hold hands. And everyone knows holding hands gets you pregnant. (Remember that episode of Happy Days?)

So what would the spawn of SPU and the Northgate mall look like?
Answer: Freaking Rad!

Here are my changes:
1. Tiffany Loop is now the Tiffany Food Court.
2. In addition to the "Tiffany Food Court" location there will also be a Dairy Queen next to Ashton Hall.
3. Weter Memorial Library is now "Weter Memorial 'Tilt' Video Arcade Hut." (Rule #1 at the arcade: no one is allowed to beat my high score on Double Dragon.)
4. Martin Square is now the Martin Atrium/Lost Child play area.
5. Orange Julius stand outside Demaray Hall.
6. Dale demoted to janitor endlessly mopping outside Footlocker.
7. GAP clothes are the new school uniform. Petitions will be accepted if you want to wear Ralph Lauren.
8. Library replaced with the largest Suncoast Movie and Video Game rental store.
9. Another Dairy Queen outside my office.
10. Every Friday after thanksgiving we have a big parade around campus and I get to be Santa Claus!

If Les Steele would just see the light and authorize these changes, then SPU would not be boring anymore. Until then I am spending my time on campus sleeping or eating mallomars cause that's all this job is good for.

-PHIL "MALL RAT" EATON