SPU Voted #1 Party School*

I am so pleased to announce that SPU was voted number Party school on North Queen Anne. We beat out the local junior high school mainly because we don't require student to wear uniforms. This ranking boosts SPU to 57th regionally and 232nd in the State of Washington and we just crested the national 5000 mark coming in at 4986 displacing Memphis Community Technical College's kickin' lan party raves.

Of course, UC Chico is the number one party school of all time. More people have died during hazings at Chico than any other school so you know it's gotta be wicked good time.

Les Steele wanted me to make an announcment about it because it is "all the talk of the academic world." And I said "Les, baby, that's because you stuffy academics are just jealous of us fun lovin party guys." We at SPU know how to party the way Jesus would do. We know that making someone drink five gallons of water and locking them in a frozen basement overnight so they die of water intoxication and hypothermia is not all it is cracked up to be.

But the traditional SPU hazing of making guys dress like girls is tons of fun. Maybe even make them carry a purse. That'd be kickin. Because for one brief week in the school year SPU would truly be an all girl school. (Driscoll already officially decreed that 75% of SPU men "girly men.") A sentiment affirmed by many of the female students (and some professors) on campus.

As for me I, I've been inspired to do some hazing of my own. Look out Les, we're gonna find out how many Easter peeps you can fit in your mouth and still say "I wish I had Phil's job."

Phil

Unto us a softdrink was born

On this Day in 1886, Dr John Pemberton invents the "Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage" later renamed "coca cola."

Happy Easter

Whoa! I must have had like a hundred peeps today. Most of those were before or during church because I need the sugar rush to make it through a service at FFMC. Those services are almost as boring as an SPU choir concert. Gosh. But the Mrs she lures me there with the peeps. Abbott talked about Jesus rising from the tomb and "filling the world with his majesty" and I asked if Jesus rose the same way a peep grows bigger in the microwave because that would be totally awesome!
After church I had a big ham, glazed with melted down peeps, some yams covered in melted down peeps, and asparagus with a lite melted down peeps dressing. Needless to say, it was a heavenly meal and the two double deluxes from Dick's that I snuck in between church and lunch did not keep me from digging in.
After Lunch I got to open my easter basket, which of course was filled with more peeps. I had about fifty until it was time for the Easter egg hunt that Les and The Mrs planned. They hid eggs all over campus and told me I had to find them with no hints this year. Bummer. I was like "I have to go upstairs? This totally blows!" But then they told me that the eggs were filled with Peeps. So of course I found them all in like five seconds. Gosh.
All in all, about 250 peeps gave their lives for pleasure today. Which is a good thing.
Phil

Friday's here, but Ninja Turtles are on the way!

So Les was like we need an Easter message on your blog, phil. And I was like "don't censor me!" But he insisted that since I get paid for the time I write this, that I'd better at least say "Happy Good Friday and Easter" but that sounds wierd. Is it happy good friday? or have a somber friday? or is it like the new year's greeting "drive safe." Anyway I began to think but then realized I should be watching TV. And as I turned on Fox kids divine inspiration hit me. So let me tell you the easter story in a way that you or at least I can understand it.:::

Easter is when Jesus Christ defeated death and rose from the grave. But this year, I believe that along with Jesus' ressurection there will be a resurrection of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I know that last time few people were convinced of the Christ imagery in Superman II, but I believe it is undeniable in TMNT.

First let me point out that the Christ imagery is seen in the combination of the four ninja turtles.
All we have to do to see this is look at the lyrics:

Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (He's a radical rat!)
Splinter, the mutant rat/man is the traditional father god figure, training the turtles, caring for them and providing for them. And he created them and loves them.
Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (That's a fact, Jack!)
We know that as a teen Jesus spent time in the temple with the Jewish leaders wowing them with his knowledge of scripture. And that he must also have been dutifully helping his father in the carpenter's shop. So it is easy to see that Leonardo and Donatello comprise the leadership and mechanical aspects of Jesus. (that's a fact, jack!)
Raphael is cool but crude (Gimme a break!)
Michaelangelo is a party dude (Party!)
Lest we forget that Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine? Jesus was a totally crude party animal, he had no qualms with bringing the booze and tossing furniture in the temple. And I am sure, that if Pizza were around in his day, he would have eaten it all the time. ("Party!")

Also note the rivalry between the turtles and shredder. The battle is really between Splinter, who we've already established as a fathergod figure to the turtle and shredder's master, "Crang," who disguises himself in a suit of flesh. Sound a little like someone we know, someone we were told to stay away from? someone like Satan? At first, I didn't see it. I saw this epic battle between good and evil as the story of me and Les. I am a hip party dude, always eating pizza and leading this university on a furious path to engaging the culture, and Les is always nerdy and brainy and stuck in a body that doesn't know how to get down and boogie when he needs to. And he so desperately needs to.

But trust me, Teenage mutant ninja turtles is all about:
"Jesus vs Satan"

Spoiler alert: Jesus wins!

Booyakasha!
Happy Easter
Phil

24 - What Would Jack Bauer Do?

Did you see 24 last night? Oh my GOSH! It was so freakin sweet! Jack Bauer, you're my hero. I was like "whoa," "oh" "No!" "Oh my gosh" "no WAY!" for the whole hour. Even during the commercials, because I'll be damned if a swiffer broom can really pick up all that stuff.

I think SPU should honor Jack Bauer with an honorary degree or at least a chance to speak at chapel. I mean, who runs chapel, pete wilson? How many times do I gotta look at that mophead this year. Can't we for once have a non-emu chapel coordinator? I'd vote for Jack Bauer. Sure, we'd still have to sing boring hymns but there'd be cool explosions and chases and lots of talking to each other on cell phones. Ol' Les Steele, he'd probably have a heart attack. (Ding Dong the witch is dead. La la la la la.)

Anyway, I had some mallomars for breakfast this morning, and they were good so I think I'm gonna have some more for dessert. Afterall, they're free to me.

Peace out homies,
Phil

On Tuition...

I feel your pain. I do. Let me tell you a story because stories often present truths that can help us solve our problems. One day I went to the C-store to get my mallomars. Mmmmm... mallomars. I laid down my $10.25 for five packs of mallomars but then Dale was like "Whoa! Those went up in price. They're two fifty now." And I was so mad. I muttered (l didn't say it outloud because he did look hungry) "do prices fluctuate based on your bastardness? Because prices are always going up."

See? I feel you pain? So what did I do? Did I pay the extra money? Did I allow Dale to hold my wallet over a barrel in this inflation game? Heck No!

Folks, I'm not gonna pay an extra $.25 for mallomars. I mean, I make $200,000 a year and that only goes so far. In fact, I'm not gonna pay for mallomars from the C-store at all. So I created a fund--a fee really--and passed that cost onto the students. I called it "The mallomar fee." But Les, he thought the kids wouldn't understand. So he said we should rename it and hence we have "The Technology Fee."

I reccomend you students take the same course of action--pass on the tuition hike. Find a creative fee. Maybe a $.05 fee for every non-porn wbesite that gets blocked by SPU servers. Or charge a fee everytime a guy or girl tells you that he/she would rather "just be friends" or that they "can't date you" because they are "dating Jesus." Or a busy work fee to professors (physics students to rake in the cash on this one). Or simply demanding a refund from Thalia and the theatre department everytime a performance doesn't live up to its cost (I still don't understand why these student groups feel they can charge students admission when no other student groups do). Or charge me a fee for everytime I utter the phrase "engaging the culture, changing the world" just send an invoice to Les and I'm sure he'll pay it. *

Your Personal Financial Advisor,
Phil

* Pay it or kick you out double the tuition just for you.

A little riddle....

Hey Peeps!

Whassssssup?

I know I haven't been around the last couple of days. I have been on big important big trips. I travel all around the world and I brag about you, my students. And I have a reputation for knowing the best of the best. For instance Palm Desert is Palm Springs without all the tourists and homosexuals. Jacob's Restaurant, on Fourth Street in Palm Desert has the best Cobb Salad you'll ever have. And the best golf course is off of Wynona in Palm Desert. Also, if you're up early enough for breakfast, stop by Mulka's bagels on 6th street for a tasty salt bagel.

I know the best, and BIOLA students are not the best. So have a good weekend, but to keep you mind sharp I give you this little riddle:

Why was the BIOLA Student late for class???????

(Check all that apply)

A) "I was witnessing to another student."
B) "I lost track of time while putting on my make-up."
C) "I woke up and really felt that God really wanted me to really read my Bible instead of going to class... really."
D) "My bid on Ebay went longer than I thought. Who would have known that Destiny's Child's new ablum, "Destiny Fulfilled," would be so popular?"
E) "I was busy working on my computer... I swear it wasn't porn."
F) "I was in line for some more chicken nuggets, but then they ran out. So, I had to get in line for fish tacos, which, needless to say, was already extra long because of the aforementioned chicken nugget shortage."
G) "Traffic was murder on the walking path from the tennis courts to the pool, and it really got congested by the fountain and complete standstill along the path by the thirty foot Jesus painting."
H) "I was reading a really interesting article in the student newspaper, the Chimes"
I) "I gave up punctuality for Lent."
J) All of the above except H.




Have a good weekend,
Phil

Gifts Are Best When Received

I had a pretty good birthday. Thank you for all the cards and gifts. Many of you asked how old I was and the answer of course is 93 years old. I was born in 1912, the Chinese year of the Rat.

Some special gifts I'd like to make mention of and thank the givers personally:

James Pedrick: Thanks for the Orange "Orphan" Shirt.
Lisa Krohns: Thank you for the new Destiny's Child album: "Destiny Fulfilled". I already have like five, but each one is special to me.
Les Steele: Thank you for the low carb, low cal, lite beer. It didn't taste good like you said so I used it to water the plants.
Dr Braden: Thank you for the tofurkey hot dogs.
The Men of Sixth Hill: Thank you for the exercise trampoline. We'll get this setup right away and get the party started.
Zach Cartwright: Thanks for the homemade fake beard.
Dale: Thanks for the Mallomars, maybe I won't fire you after all.
Dr Ed Smyth: Thanks for the weight set.

Again thanks to all for the nice gifts!
Phil

Not Cool

This is my Birthday, my one special day. So please be respectful. You can give me cards and gifts (please! they're tax deductible, not really) and Birthday salutations.

But please refrain from giving me the following:
- the Bird
- this "there are no more chicken nuggets until dinner" line. Cruel, Hearltess, Liar Gwinn-Nazis!
- shout outs when I am hanging with people cooler than you (including but not limited to Zach Cartwright, Dr Vokos, Chuck [but not Scott] Strawn, Mark Abbott, James Pedrick, Matt Bollinger, and Brandon King).
- booing regarding tuition increase
- booing regarding the poor living conditions in Robbins
- booing regarding the shortage of chicken nuggets (I am on your side on this one).

Back to the celebrations! James Pedrick said he might stop by and take me out to lunch!
It's been a while since the two of us have hit up the Nickerson Street Saloon.

-Phil

It's My Birthday and I'll Raise Tuition if I want to!

It's my Birthday! I am so excited. I can't wait for the big surprise party. Maybe, for my present, Tami will let me get out of chapel today. Or maybe today is the day I get a couple of extra meatballs on my meatball sub from C-store. Or maybe Les will shave his facial hair. Maybe the Mrs will buy me GTA San Andreas (It was ever so dissappointing when I didn't get that for Christmas). Ooooh! The best though would be if today is the day they let me fire Dale. And maybe some members of the board of trustees.

There are many ways for you to celebrate my birthday and know that you will not be alone: all across the country former spu students are baking cupcakes, donning party hats and engaging this country with the good news of my presidency at SPU.

Is there a better way to celebrate my birthday than cupcakes? Nothing says "Phil Eaton" like a cupcake. They look good, they taste good, they're good for you (Don't listen to Atkins, scientists from the Hostess Institute of Indiana have time and again proved the health qualities of cupcakes).

The following items would make good gift ideas for students to give to me (hint, hint):

Return your gwinn dishes to the cafeteria
$.99 Double Bacon Cheeseburger
A boycott against the library late fees (I got like $24.90 racked up there, way too much. seriously I could buy season one of alias with that money. stupid library.)
Cheetos Big Bag
Petition for a theater release of The A-team Movie
An invitation to the band nerd end of the year banquet/bbq
If students can get chapel credit for listening to tapes, I should be able to give chapel lectures through a tape recording
Dick's Drive-In T-shirt
Front row tickets to the Robbins Hall Demolition
I just want one of those emerson kids to give me one of their fancy cars. They each have like five. Just one for 'ol Phil, the birthday boy, c'mon. I'll get you off of the diversity floor!

Phil "Birthday Boy" Eaton