Always Check the Roll Before You Go

The Mrs. went out "shopping" all day today. So I took the opportunity and ordered a large pepperoni and mushroom pizza. Afterwards, I was feeling full, but I decided to finish it off with a couple of jellies.

Needless to say, about an hour later I had some downloading to do. When I reached for the paper, I found an empty roll. I wasn't worried at first because I remembered the bathroom downstairs. But when I waddled down there, there were only empty rolls.

What would you do????
I thought about using kleenex. But we only keep cloth hankies in the house.

So I called security. 2911, baby! Security officers were close by helping a girl in ashton recover her stolen laundry. They delivered the good stuff: two ply!

By the time The Mrs got home I was fresh as a daisy. And the officers helped me discard the evidence of the pizza and doughnuts. (They're sorta experts at it.)

Keepin it real,
Phil

Thank God.... It's a Boy!

Last night we celebrated the birth of the most important man to SPU. (No, silly, not me... I stopped having birthdays a long time ago.) The celebration of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ took place at Beneroya Hall and cost a mere $15 dollars.

The event was a great way to begin the Christmas season. I think we all need a reminder of the true reason for the season.
He came to earth to save us, he came to a humble backward family, and they raised him as their own until the age of thirty when he began his ministry of kicking ass and taking names and sending the kryptonian thugs back to their space warp prison.

Ok, after all the tab cola and cheetos the stories may have blended a little bit, but okay, I'm out.

Pzeace.
Phil

The Son Breaks Forth in Glorious Light!

During Christmas we remember the time that The Lord broke through the darkness in glorious light in order save us all! 

American Movie Church: Superman

I skipped church and watch Superman 1, 2 and 3 on AMC. That Movie Rocks!!!!!

Since the Mrs. was gone at Church, I had to order up some cinnamon toast crunch from Gwinn. Nothing compares to the sweet sweet cinnamon rolls of the Mrs, but gwinn knows how to do breakfast, too. (It ain't so bad when it's delivered.)

What's your favorite superman movie moment?

A scene from Superman 4

"For subverting my congenial leadership style with your popular "humor," and for creating an SPU institution completely unfunded by SPU, and one which is more popular than the mandatory Day of Learning, I hereby condemn the publsihers of the Foul-con to spend eternity in these disco rings." 

What Are You Thankful For?

Did anyone see the parade? Oh mi gosh! It was soooooooo rad. They had a Ronald McDonald balloon! I Love McDonalds. Mmmmm...

McDonald's is what I am thankful for this year, because after I choked down the Mrs's mom's cooking, I snuck out for some McD's (the next best thing to Dick's). A Big Mac never tasted so good. So I had another. Let's just say five big macs never tasted so good. Niether has 12 piece chicken nugget, a filet o' fish, two sundaes and an apple pie.

Truly it was Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a tryptophan induced nap.

No GROUP?????

What? There was no GROUP tonight. Did you know this? No one told me. I showed up and looked quite the fool. Luckily I figured it out after only a half an hour and got back to my place in time to watch Crank Yankers. Rad.

Phil

Come on now, Bollinger.

Heaven and Hell being discussed in the Falcon? The Falcon is like Hell IN Heaven, aka SPU.

Everyone knows that in order to get into heaven, you gotta come through me. And to do so you gotsta graduate UFDN 3000.

Word Up!
Phil

Falcon Madness

I signed my name to a bunch of stuff. Les said it would get me my own line of sneakers, but I'm not dumb. I think some of the papers were stuff about tuition increases and new student fees. I didn't spend much time reading because Les said I could watch Space Ghost Coast to Coast the rest of the day if I did it fast enough.

He timed me at 4min 32 seconds. Not bad for signing my name four times.

Anyway Space Ghost was rad and if the Falcon can't appreciate that fact, it only reflects poorly on them, not me.

I'm off to watch Space Ghost. Maybe I should pick up some malomars on the way.

Pzeace.

Phildawg

Thin like Gwinn

Call me a Falstaff, but I'd rather go to Gwinn than go to the gym. Gwinn has got everything! Food, friends, rockin' music and long lines just like Disneyland. Everytime I go to the "international" selections, I find myself humming "It's a small world."

The Mrs says that if I keep going there, it's going to keep going here. [Poking me in my belly as if I were the pillsbury doughboy.] I said, "No it won't: everyone knows Gwinn food doesn't stick with you longer than half an hour!"

Bah-Zing! Score: Phil: 1, The Mrs.: 0

-Phil

Engaging the Sunday Culture

Most of the world sleeps in on Sunday morning. They read the paper, maybe have a cup of coffee, or perhaps go out for a large breakfast. Okay, maybe not most of the world, but all of Queen Anne does and I want to too.

If I didn't have to go to church, I'd saunter on up to the Queen Anne Cafe and order myself "The Nuge" off the Omelette Menu (the breakfast tribute to the legendary rocker, filled with four different kinds of sausage). Oh, and I'd treat the Mrs right. She could get whatever she wanted. She usually gets the fruitcup. (As if she doesn't get enough of me at home.)

So I brought this up to the Pastor. And he said, "Sounds good. You can come to church on Saturday night." Pfft! Whatever, Abbott. Saturday night is my night to go drinking at the Dubliner with James Pedrick. SPU kids always get better after they graduate.

Needless to say, the Abbott didn't like that plan. Nor did the Mrs. Pedrick was okay with it though. Gotta love that kid!

Hill Hall Holiday PARTY?

Hill Hall Party? That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.
What are they going to do? Play house? "OOH, Sally, I got a new brownie recipe to try in our easy bake oven!!!!!" Whatever.

They should take a lesson from me, Phil "Party Animal" Dawg. Everyone knows I party hardy. I got the money, the booze, and I don't have to sneak it into my dorm in listerine bottles like the Ashton punks.

If any Hill Hall nerds want a lesson in how to party, just come on over to the Hilford House, aka "Eaton 54." The offer is only good for one night: tonight! Partying starts at 11pm. See ya there, lame-o.

PhilDawg

P.S. Bring Malomars

Eaton 54

Phil W Eaton is SPU's classic party Animal. His fierce and tenacious character brings an unmatched integrity to the party scene. What Prefontaine was to the sport of running, Phil W Eaton is to the art of partying... for Jesus. 

Reinsma! Reinsma! Reinsma!

It was Friday. And it was announced that SPU Prof Luke Reinsma had won Washington State professor of the year. Oh, if I were still in the class room, I'd a whooped his ass! I know your of liberal agenda, let me tell you, I'm in the majority here. The election proved that! I got my eye on you Reinsma, one screw up and your precious multiple awards and large fan base won't be able to protect you.

Message from The Hilford House:

I'll Get You Next Time, Reinsma! 

Steeley-Boy breaks on through to the other side.

"Last Thursday there was a day off, next Thursday is a day off. I got confused; I'm an old man. I thought every Thursday was going to be a week 'selah.'"

Steele didn't buy that excuse either. But he did admit that he was impressed that I busted out with "selah."

It was 11:30am, I was still in my PJs and only half way through Back to the Future Part III (nearly watched the whole series on one day), when Steele found me. I tried the excuse: no dice. Tried to buy him off with cheetos: still no dice.

But when I told him I knew where Dale kept the secret stash of Malomars, Steele shucked his shoes and loosened his tie and we played BattleToads on old school Nintendo for four hours.

I totally slaughtered him, which isn't the point of the game, but it's totally rad.

We also busted out with Double Dragon, Mario 2 (greatest mario... ever) and Burger Time Deluxe. (Don't ask me, Steele brought it.) I dominated him on all of these games. "Take that Les, where are your precious meetings and appointments now? They can't help you now!"


Pzeace.
PHIL DAWG

Dinner at Dr Braden's

Dinner at the Braden's? Bummer, man. Going in to this thing I said that I did NOT want to eat another all-vegetarian meal. Last time's "Vegetarian's Delight" wasn't delightful; it was awful. But, yet again, Dr Braden whipped up an all vegan meal. Bogus! But then she was like, "Philly, for you I prepared a special meal, since you don't want to eat your vegetables: steak tartar." Double Bogus.

Needless to say, I didn't eat dinner. And when I got home, I was STARVING. But The MRS wouldn't let me at the Malomars. They're finally back in season and I get the nix because I didn't "finish my dinner."

So I went to bed without dinner. And after the MRS finally went to bed I snuck out and went down to Subway. They were about to close, but I pleaded for just one, just one last sandwich. The Subway girl let me in and whipped up a tasty tunafish sandwich for me. She even got me some Malomars from Dale's secret stash.

Props to the Subway Girl! 

Engaging The Culture

I'm Rockin The Table While He's Operating 

Revitalizing North Queen Anne

It's great being on the North Side of Queen Anne. We got, like our own private 7-11, and Zeeks is right next door. Why would you ever want to leave?

Answer: Dick's Drive In. It's delicious AND tasty. It should be called Dick's Drive Inn because I'd stay there overnight!

But there is one eyesore on our side of Queen Anne that is just shameful. I saw it while walking to Dick's. (I had to walk to Dick's because Dale himself was blocking my Audi.) This place was a dump. Half covered in moss, the other half consumed by a variety of mold. There is no parking, no lighting, it's miles from anywhere and quite frankly I feel bad for the people who live there.

So I got the name of the person who owns the building, Marrion A Robbins, and I am circulating an internet petition to get the owners of these dumpy apartments to clean up the place or concede the building to be the site of the first Dick's Drive Inn. (To add your name to the list, simply post a comment on my website with your name and favorite color.)

Soon we'll all be sleeping well on full stomachs and in grand, expsensive apartments like The Wesley.

-Phil Eaton, Green, the color of money.

$5 Closer to Painting my Audi White

So I went to Dick's with my trusty recycle mug and told the Dick's man to fill me up.

After a good hour or two of tipping back a glasses of fat, I figured I earned my five bucks and I was nothing worse the wear than if I'd eaten at Gwinn.

I got my five bucks and used it to buy two deluxes and some fries, which--after all that grease--went down easier than ever.

Les Steele, you're really missing out. I'm sure your precious Ponti's wouldn't serve you their left over fat! I am the greatest!

Seriously, the best machines run on fast food grease, and now I'm running on greast from the best fast food place ever. I got so much work done today: I watched six episodes of SMURFS.

The Dick's Dare

So, The Mrs bet me five bucks to order up some plain old fat and grease from Dick's Drive In. Last night I was doing some research on the internet and found out that mighty working machines run off pure fast food grease. Now, I'm thinking, "I'm a mighty working machine, so all thise grease can't be too bad for me."

Death to Dick's? ...NEVER!

The Mrs says I gotta stop going to Dick's all the time. Bogus. I was all like "but Les does it" and she was all like "Les goes there only in order to drag you back to your office." and then I was like "but it tastes soooooooooo good." and she was like "it only tastes good because of all the grease and fat in the food." and I was like "duh" and she was like "if you actually saw how much fat was in that you wouldn't eat it ever again." and I was like "I can order just the fat? Score! Why waste time with potatoes when I can go straight to the source of Dick's goodness." And then the Mrs was like "gross! you wouldn't dare." and I was like "put your money where your mouth is."

To Be Continued....

Thank a Veteran... for Donuts

Veteran's day is great! It's like a mini weekend in the middle of the week! I cashed my paycheck early yesterday afternoon and stocked up on donuts and ice cream (for milkshakes).

That and the new box set of the cartoon superman series is all I need to make this mini-weekend the perfect weekend.

What Fonzi was to the Fifties, so shall I be to Religion.

I'm a Righteous dude! Among myself, Fonzi, and Dr Vokos, there is a certain... how would a UFDN3000 prof say it... "perichoresis."

I know the Lord is on my side, for the Bible tells me so. (Les has to read it to me, but I trust he isn't misreading the Bible.)

Upon this revelation that I am righteous, I am introducing the Hail Phil. A prayer for me, and a prayer for you, and for all SPU students throughout time. This prayer is to be recited 50 times every day of the week.

The Hail Phil:

"Hail Phil, full of congeniality, the Lord is on your side. Blessed on you among men, and blessed is the fruit of your presidence, SPU. Hail Phil, follower of God, preside o'er us students, now and in the years of our alumni status."


What I am asking for doesn't come without benefits.


FIFTEEN PROMISES OF THE BLESSED PRESIDENT
TO STUDENTS WHO FAITHFULLY PRAY THE HAIL PHIL


1. To all those who shall pray the Hail Phil devoutly, Phil promises his special protection and great graces.
2. Those who shall persevere in the recitation of the Hail Phil will receive some special grace.
3. Phil will be a very powerful armor against hell.
4. Phil will make virtue and good works flourish, and will obtain for souls the most abundant divine mercies. He will draw the hearts of men from the love of the world and its vanities, and will lift them to the desire of eternal things. Oh, that souls would sanctify themselves by his means.
5. Those who trust themselves to me through the Hail Phil will not perish.
6. Whoever recites the Hail Phil devoutly reflecting on the mysteries, shall never be overwhelmed by misfortune. He will not experience the anger of God nor will he perish by an unprovided death. The sinner will be converted; the just will persevere in grace and merit eternal life.
7. Those truly devoted to the Hail Phil shall not die without the sacraments of the University.
8. Those who are faithful to recite the Hail Phil shall have during their life and at their death the light of knowing Phil and the plenitude of His graces and will share in the merits of his blessings.
9. Souls devoted to the Hail Phil will be delivered promptly from Purgatory.
10. True children of SPU will enjoy great glory in heaven.
11. What you shall ask through the Hail Phil you shall obtain.
12. To those who propagate my Rosary I promise aid in all their necessities.
13. Phil ensures that all the devoted Students of the University shall have as their intercessors, in life and in death, the entire celestial court.
14. Those who recite the Hail Phil faithfully are Phil’s beloved children, the brothers and sisters of Jesus Christ.
15. Devotion to the Hail Phil is a special sign of predestination.

Monday, Monday...

I hate Mondays. Such a Bore. Les made me go to some meetings this morning. He promised we'd go to Dick's Drive Inn for lunch. I love their fries. But no, Les ran out of time and we had to eat at subway. I don't know which is harder to stomach: Dale's food or the sight of Dale's flaming goatee.

Anyway, the foot long club was good even though Dale was out of cheetos again. What a bummer day, I can't wait til Veteran's Day.

Your Friend,
Phil

P.S. When was the first Veteran's Day celebrated?

Truth Quest Changes.

You'd think that at events like the The Brandy Wine Forum that you'd be able to get liquored up. But no. Once again I was duped by this false advertising.

I call on SPU students and program directors to embark on a Truth Quest to end the rampant lies around this campus. I've listed some of the changes which I have seen that need to be made immediately.

1. Midterm Exams => Whenever-in-the-term Exams
2. KSPU Radio Station => KSPU internet and cable NARROWcast.
3. SPU Symphonic Wind Ensemble => SPU Lord of the Rings fan club.
4. Ashton Residence Hall => Ashton Beer Garden.
5. The Falcon Newspaper => SPU's failing voice of liberal truth.
6. CIS => A place to put the geeky tech kids that just don't fit into SMC, PA, or hall council programs.
7. FFMC = SPU's sugar daddy of religion.
8. The English Department => The Hippies' meeting grounds.
9. Second Essence => Where English students try to suck up to the hippie profesors they seek to emulate.
10. Campus Security => Campus parking enforcement and doughtnut eating squad.




Let the revolution start here and grow! If you know of other changes that need to be made post them here or write to the Falcon!

I'm Just so PROUD to be Here!

Well, it's been announced that George W Bush has been re-elected as president of the United States. This shows that the people have confidence and trust in his leadership style.

I kinda like to think that this affirmation of W is also an affirmation of my leadership style. Both of our administrations spend like crazy and give tax breaks (in our case scholarships) to the rich elite (in our case rich athletes). And now with the re-election the board of trustees will probably go along with my missile defense program for Emerson Hall.

I'm a patriotic American, I love Entenmann's doughnuts, Starbucks Coffee, and a tasty helping (usually about five) of Big Macs. But through this election season, I've learned that being an American is more than just consuming mass amount of food, it's also about spending mass amounts of money. And it's always easier to spend other people's money. That's why, being as patriotic as I am, I vow along with George W that this next four years I will push an even more "ambitious agenda."