The Hilford House

From now on the Hilford House, where me and the Mrs. chill, will be known as "The Fortress of Solitude."

Seahawks Stadium Review

I know there's been some criticism about graduation. OK, mainly from me, but also from a few others.

It was totally boring. If I were running the place (and by next year I will be. Send that Les "Hosehead" Steele back to radioshak where he belongs), graduation would be kicking and I'd be pumping. Therefore I proudly present...

Phil Eaton's Comprehensive Plan for Commencement 2005:

1. Instead of renting Seahawks Staedium, rent the Seagals Cheerleading squad.
2. Instead of junior flag bearers ushering in each school, invite Gravedigger and other famous, culturally relevant, monster trucks to usher in each school.
3. Instead of boring speakers from across the street, invite exciting, perky celebrities to speak. Maybe someone like Jiminy Glick?
4. Instead of that pompous band playing pompous songs, I think a Tom Lehrer impersonator would be great.
5. Get rid of Don Yanik directing the ceremonies and hire Richard Simmons.

SPU = Eatonville?

Bruce Rath eat your heart out! SPU is quickly surpassing your silly town and will soon be known as the true Eatonville.
Your town only has 2, 096 enrolled students. SPU has over 3,700! And we have a higher average level of education.
We've been around since 1891. You've only been around since 1909. That's 18 years. SPU was voting for Taft while you were being born. Do you even remember Taft? SPU is the real Eatonville. We've been here longer and we're smarter.

To top it all off, have you heard that SPU is getting the next local Wienerschnitzel? Boo-yah!


Now, I see you are trying to make a name for yourself by launching a national campaign to save bigfoot.

Well let me tell you this Eatonville will take your cause all the way to the UNITED NATIONS.
Have you seen what James Pedrick did with that AIDS campaign we stole from Wheaton?

We're gonna blow you out of the water.

Burger Review

In honor of Flag Day, I decided this was the perfect day to figure out the best place in town to get a burger. Of course, Red Mill was the best. But here is the break down.
The quality of a burger is measured by three standards: taste, presentation and the number of napkins it takes to get through the whole ordeal.

Hopefully this will help you in your quest for the ultimate dining experience.


Red Mill:
Tastiness: 9
Presentation: 8
Napkins: 12

Red Robin:
Tastiness: 7
Presentation: 9
Napkins: 3

Jack in the Box:
Tastiness: 4
Presentation: 3
Napkins:1

Gwinn:
Tastiness: 1 (no charcoal thanks)
Presentation: 2
Napkins: 17 (fifteen were used to spit out the stiff pieces of bread, meat, etc. so, really, 2)

Gorditos:
Tastiness: 7
Presentation: 1 (there burger was like wrapped in a tortilla and had all this rice and bean stuff in it. Do they know what a burger is? these people should stick to what they do best: landscaping)
Napkins: 8

Yankee Diner:
Tastiness: 7
Presentation: 7
Napkins: 4

Commencement.

Long. Boring. Hot.
Nuff said.

Baccalaureate.

Sharon and Les dragged me to this thing tonight. A "spiritual" commencement ceremony.
The speaker sounded more pissed off than spiritual.
The best part of the evening was the dessert social. Those cheesecake things were delicious. I wrapped some up in napkins and snuck out with them and some more cookies.
I hid them in my mini-fridge that I keep behind my facade bookcase in the bedroom. Sharon still has no clue.
I can't wait for midnight. Mmm... delicious cookies.

SPU will be a Light unto the World

This may not come as a shock to most, but Dale sucks.
1) No mallomars.
2) No red rope licorice.
3) No lunchables with the little andes mints inside.
I'm sorry, but that's three strikes.

So I formed a presidential task force to find a replacement for the Subway/Corner Place market/Pizza Guys facility.

What better replacement could there be than "America's Most Wanted Hot Dog?"
An on-campus Wienerschnitzel might make SPU America's most wanted university.

I can't wait.


A Temporary version will be made available for the high ceremony events of the upcoming week;

More Problems

I don't know why everyone expects me to solve their problems. All I want to do is play BattleToads, eat cheetos, maybe watch some Charles in Charge re-runs (that Buddy Lembeck, he's so darn hilarious). Can't I pay someone to take care of these kinds of things? Isn't that what Les Steele is for?

Anyway, one of the dorm floors on campus is waging a protest rally. The Moyer Hall nerds, um I mean residents. Want to hold a rally outside of Gwinn in order to show that they are just as rich as Emerson residents.

Moyer residents claim they live in poverty as part of their spiritual call. Their vow extends beyond SPU which is why all Moyer residents seem to be music or theatre majors. Saps.

However, recent events such as the Foul-con's extreme criticism have increased the burden, making it "unbearable."

The "We Have Money Too" Rally will be held Wednesday at 5pm.
In true nerd fashion, The Moyer Hall president has published the cheers to chanted at the rally so that everyone can come prepared.

"Cash. Credit. Paper. Plastic. We got money so we're fantastic!"

"Jacksons. Five. Hamiltons. Ten. Or Just one of Ben Franklin. If you find that's too hard, then just use a credit card."

"We got money. Yes, we do. We got money. How 'bout you?"

I hope you all can make it to the rally. I can't because Wednesdays at 5pm is when Home Improvement is on. Agh agh agh agh agh.

Pzeace.

What's Weak this Week?

You want to know what's lame? Graduation is lame. I can't believe Les and Tami are making me go. Who elected these people anyway? Oh, right, it was me. I guess that's the price you pay for being such a strong, effective, decisive, no-nonsense, totally awesome, jujitsu master, James Dean-esque leader in a time of great instutional evolution: there's no one to blame but yourself.

Commencement is going to be so bor-ring! Who wants to sit there for like five hours and listen to people ramble?

I have better things to do with my time. Like the World Naked Bike Ride. Also on June 12th, also at 11:30am. I can't be two places at once, folks! This bike ride goes from Gasworks to the Seattle Center Int'l fountain, and everyone rides nekked. Bitchin'!

Visit the website: http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org

I encourage all of you, including seniors, to skip commencement ceremonies and engage the culture and change the world through riding your bikes naked!

Mood: Chipper.
Music: Jessica Simpson, "Take My Breath Away"

SpongeBob My Pants!

It took all night, but it was worth it. I finally got the SpongeBob boxer shorts I bid on. I ordered expedited shipping so that I will have them to wear under my robes at Graduation. Way cool.

Oh no! I'm late for church again! Gotta go.

Mood: Elated.
Music: DCTalk, "Hard Way"

SpongeBob International Dance Party!

As many of you may know, today is the day of the SpongeBob International Dance Party. The ubitquitous Dick Clark will be hosting. There will be a live simultaneous broadcast from three major cities.

All day today I was on Ebay trying to win a bid on some SpongeBob boxer shorts. I still haven't one, this may go all night.

TGIF

YESSSSSS! It's FRIDAY!

I cannot wait to get outta here. The new Harry Potter movie comes out tonight. Totally Rad. Potsie and Richie and totally blowing me off. And I'm like "What-ev-errrr."
Jack Tripper and I are going to go see it with some of his roommates. So there. Rad.

Only 6 more hours to go. I spent the first hour hiding in my private bathroom. I went for the paper and found a copy of the Foul-con. Those meddling kids!

Then I went to the C-store and demanded that Dale keep mallomars in stock year-round. I doubt he can handle that. He'd probably eat them. Maybe I should out-source the C-Store as well.

Now I am doing the blog thing, for which I require complete silence, no distruptions, and plenty of mallomars. Got it, Dale? Keep 'em comin'.

Mood: Chipper
Music: Beach Boys, "Dance, Dance, Dance"

Dr. Spina and Father Zosima

It is with a heavy heart that I bid farewell to two of my oldest and closest companions.

Dr. Spina, who has been with SPU for thirty years, (since before FRIENDS), is leaving us to be a stunt double for Tony Campolo. I wish Frank all the best in his new endeavors. In honor of his many years of service, I took Frank down to 7-11. I bought him an ounce of slurpee for every year he has taught at SPU. Not too many professors can claim a 32oz slurpee on the administration, Frank. Drink with pride, but drink fast because it'll surely melt.

Also, I was sad to learn the Foul-con so enraged Dr. Vokos, that he decided to exclude Father Zosima from Vokosdoxy as well. Now it is just Dr. Vokos and Jesus. While it is sad to see one of the great literary figures of Western Civilization ousted, I am inspired and encouraged by Dr. Vokos' piety.

I believe good can come from Vokosdoxy on campus. As Dr. Wall would say, "we could all be better Christians, if we were better at Vokosdoxy." Also, it will boost the reputation of SPU to brag that one of our professor's ancestors wrote your Bible.

The Foul-con Really Fouls Things Up

I called in sick today. I couldn't take another day of work, with those darn whoever-they-are making fun of me in their fake paper.

It's just so sad. I try really, really hard to make this the best school possible.

But they still make fun of me. They always do. But the Foul-con was just too much.

So I stayed home today and ate mallomars. Delicious. Mallomars are always there for me. What? Oh drat.

Another bummer day.

Mood: Pensive
Music: Beach Boys, "In My Room"

A Day In/Out of the Office

I had to go back to work today. That blows.

Luckily I was able to sneak out past Les Steele's office and hang out at the C-Store with Fonzie, Potsie, and Ralph Malph.
But then Pinky Tuscadero showed up and Fonzie kicked us out.

On the way out, I saw Kathleen Braden in line for a sandwich. I hid behind the "bowl appetite" aisle until she left.

Then Potsie and I snuck off campus to go see "Van Helsing." That movie rocked!

We got back to campus around 4:30 and Potsie had to give me a boost so I could sneak in through my private bathroom window so that Les Steele wouldn't catch me.

I brought home some Subway for the Mrs., but she wasn't impressed.

After dinner I played Nintendo and drank TAB cola until Sharon said it was time for bed. Bogus.

Mood: bummed
Music: Radiohead