Lay off the dope, kid!  

Matt Bollinger can kiss my supposedly robotic butt!

Like most people, I don't read the Falcon. It's boring. More boring than church and trustee meetings combined! Even worse, it's not like I can play my gameboy. Maybe if, as like an incentive type thing, the falcon staff threw in some cheetos for the readers...

Of course, Matt Bollinger thinks I don't have to read it because I download it from the net like Neo learning Kung Fu. Read Matt's article.

Matt, that is simply untrue. And... it hurts, Matt. It cuts deep into my heart. A Heart that once loved. Once loved David Bowie, and then, later, John Cougar Mellencamp. But now it is left broken, empty, and alone. Much like Bollinger's last remaining brain cell. (Lay off the dope, kid!)

The part that hurts the most though, is when Matt says this: "I think that we have more important things to be talking about as a university." I can't imagine what else you'd want to talk about or do. Maybe Matt wants to go out and chase butterflies and get his head stuck in a hunny jar. I hear that's what the Falcon staff does for fun these days; the dopers love that kind of stuff.

It's a mystical, magical world, Matt: I make it that way.

The Falcon Staff. 

The Church has its Butt Cheeks Too Tightly Clenched!

Did you know that other people blog too? It's not just me. I did some looking on the net and there are literally millions of bloggers! I am a trendsetter, on the cutting edge, hip hopping, ju jitsu master, decisive, leader in times of peril and bloggers; I earn my keep.

I found some bloggers who agree with me on the three key issues:
1. Cheetos are rad.
2. The Church has its butt cheeks too tightly clenched.
3. Climbing Mt Everest would take too much effort.

The E-A-T-O-N Guide to SPU

How can one survive SPU in the 21st Century. I'm offering you my keys to success. And it's as easy to remember as my name!


E Every girl gets a guy. But not every guy gets a girl. I know what you're thinking, girls, "there are no guys here, the odds are against us." And that may be true, but I encourage you to tap other sources. Bypass the SPU guys who are playing guitar in your stairwell and go over to UW or SU where the guys will buy you a beer or two and six for themselvs. Or you could try dating a boy from your high school. Dating down has its advanatages: 1) during the week the high school boyfriend is still under mom's curfew 2) he'll treat you like a goddess because you're the only worthwhile thing he has going for him in his life." Or better still, date up. Doug Taylor could help you track down some of SPU's oustanding graduates. He doesn't keep them under curfew, but he knows how to get money out of them, (and that's all you really want, right girls?)

A Act now for housing registration! Hurry and find the roommates you'll want for the next for years or you're screwed. Elona Visser and her team have been working hard all summer to make sure you get screwed over. Getting screwed over by university services is inevitable, but with a lot of preparation and hardwork, it might not bleed as much.

T Teams are the highest priority at SPU (after me and my car) and I encourage all SPU students to sign up for athletics. Not only does it keep you trim (and the campus beautiful) it also gives you a free pas to do anything you want. If you're on a sports team you can booze it up, skip CFE, and whore yourself around Ashton while always having your own place back in Emerson. Who at SPU doesn't do that? The advantage of being on a sports team is that you do it for free AND you don't even have to be a smart indicidual.

O Overeating. More of you should be doing it. You're young; take advantage of your youth!

N Never miss a brother/sister floor dinner. These are the best times of college and maybe of your life. Somenights (about 3x a week) I'll go over to Steeley-boy's office and bang on my trash can and yell "brother-sister office dinner." And then Les and I go eat at gwinn. It's totally the bomb, sometimes we'll finish eating and stay there for another hour just talking and using up table space. Sometimes, if we're feeling giddy, we'll play the apple fork game. And if we're really really giddy we'll play gwinn football. (I always get a touchdown, because I always show them what they want to see.)

Debates?

Presidential debates are long and boring. Someone tell NBC: less politics more JOEY. America would be much better off.

Ashton Retreat

The Ashton Hall council did a marvelous job planning another top notch retreat at camp casey.
Unfortunately, all the residents of Ashton "retreated" to Brian's family's summer cabin because they heard rumor of--whatelse?-- free booze. Brian, a young freshman looking to make a good impression with his peers and especially with that one girl in his USEM class, invited a few friends to the cabin for a "good time."
Things went wrong when Brian told his SMC, who dutifully reported it to the PA and RLC. Once the PA and RLC got involved in a pre-emptive disciplinary action, the rest of Ashton knew it was going to be a kick ass party.
And it was! Too bad Brian wasn't there, he got stuck on latrine duty for the whole weekend. I saved him a little something something though, and I also put in a good word with his special girl.

Pzeace to all of you in Ashton! Pzeace to Brian! Pzeace to Ashley! and Pzeace to the Dorm council!

-Phildawg

Word of the Week

The word of the week is "Verbage."

I coined the phrase "verbage" a decade or so ago. Verbage is the tricked0out, slang, pimp daddy version of "verbiage." You like twist it around so that verbiage sounds more like "garbage."

I'll use it in a sentence: "The SPU Lifestyle expectations is just bunch of verbage so that SPU can stay in the CCCU and tap that fat-cow of Christian money."

I encourage you all to start incorporating the word of the week into your daily conversations.
Here's a few more examples for you to use:

"Every year ASSP officers dish out a bunch of verbage about what they think they're gonna do despite the fact they have no clue how to do it."

"Gwinn uses a lot of verbage to convince students that the same chicken goolash is really five different exotic dishes from around the world."

"SMC's hold bible studies where greenback theology majors and minors converge to practice sculpting the perfect, ripest, choicest pile of verbage."