The E-A-T-O-N Guide to SPU

How can one survive SPU in the 21st Century. I'm offering you my keys to success. And it's as easy to remember as my name!


E Every girl gets a guy. But not every guy gets a girl. I know what you're thinking, girls, "there are no guys here, the odds are against us." And that may be true, but I encourage you to tap other sources. Bypass the SPU guys who are playing guitar in your stairwell and go over to UW or SU where the guys will buy you a beer or two and six for themselvs. Or you could try dating a boy from your high school. Dating down has its advanatages: 1) during the week the high school boyfriend is still under mom's curfew 2) he'll treat you like a goddess because you're the only worthwhile thing he has going for him in his life." Or better still, date up. Doug Taylor could help you track down some of SPU's oustanding graduates. He doesn't keep them under curfew, but he knows how to get money out of them, (and that's all you really want, right girls?)

A Act now for housing registration! Hurry and find the roommates you'll want for the next for years or you're screwed. Elona Visser and her team have been working hard all summer to make sure you get screwed over. Getting screwed over by university services is inevitable, but with a lot of preparation and hardwork, it might not bleed as much.

T Teams are the highest priority at SPU (after me and my car) and I encourage all SPU students to sign up for athletics. Not only does it keep you trim (and the campus beautiful) it also gives you a free pas to do anything you want. If you're on a sports team you can booze it up, skip CFE, and whore yourself around Ashton while always having your own place back in Emerson. Who at SPU doesn't do that? The advantage of being on a sports team is that you do it for free AND you don't even have to be a smart indicidual.

O Overeating. More of you should be doing it. You're young; take advantage of your youth!

N Never miss a brother/sister floor dinner. These are the best times of college and maybe of your life. Somenights (about 3x a week) I'll go over to Steeley-boy's office and bang on my trash can and yell "brother-sister office dinner." And then Les and I go eat at gwinn. It's totally the bomb, sometimes we'll finish eating and stay there for another hour just talking and using up table space. Sometimes, if we're feeling giddy, we'll play the apple fork game. And if we're really really giddy we'll play gwinn football. (I always get a touchdown, because I always show them what they want to see.)