"Seattle Pacific University: Changing the World, but not our Catch Phrase" - Phil W Eaton

Homecoming -- Not Like That!

2010-12-30T17:11:00.000-08:00

Friends,
I hope you all got my many invitations to homecoming weekend. I've put a lot of work into planning a spectacular weekend for you.

This year we're honoring graduates of our theater program. Did you know SPU has a highly rated theater program? If not, all the more reason to rediscover SPU this year at homecoming. I like to think I rediscover SPU everyday.

Did you see the picture of the Stage Door? I took that myself. I feel like it really captures the spirit of theater at SPU. There's a door! Get it? If not, I'll explain it in my convocation on homecoming weekend. You'll want to be sure not to miss it.

Scott and Pam are some of the best graduates we've ever had. They took that run down peep show house and gave it new life. And every once in a while you can see some nudity. They call it artistic expression, but we all know it's nudity. (Right, 6th Hill?)

Homecoming weekend is full of activities for all our alumni.
Do you remember going to classes at SPU? It's kind of a big deal. Besides the Orangemen and Gwinn food it's pretty much why we are here. Well you can re live the memories on Friday January 21 during Class Visitation Day! Normally we charge hundreds of dollars for this stuff, but now you get it at no cost to you! Except the money you already paid us.

Whose best memories of SPU don't include the bookstore? Well we wouldn't invite you back to SPU to not visit the book store! Of course not! The bookstore will be open for "Bookstore Browsing" 11am - 6pm. Don't you dare go in there any earlier or later. Or on a different day, because I got you the hook up!

Finally if you're a nerd who got involved in missions at SPU you can go to church and receive your honors/nostalgia while the rest of us are cheering on the basketball team. Losers! Tailgating never dies!

P-Dawg Out!

Graduation nearing...

2009-05-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

Graduation is close at hand and many high school students are getting ready to graduate and thinking about their transition into SPU, and our own SPU seniors are anticipating their transition into the real world, I am jonesing to get out of here. There's been a lot of chapels and convocations this year, and I'm spent, but then I look at the schedule and I'm like "pfft! a dozen more chapels? whatever steely-boy. Save some God-stuff for next year, eh?"
I'm gonna go catch a movie.

Sincerely,
Papa E

P.S. Have you tried Jones soda lately? I'd forgotten how delicious it was. And it's got real cane sugar in it now, so it's healthly, basically it's like a vegetable.

Happy April Fool's Day! Ya'll!

2009-04-02T00:13:00.001-07:00

I just saw "Knowing" with Nick Cage.
The Cageinator. The Cagester. Cage the Rage.
Cage-o-rama.
Quite possibly God's gift to women. Well, his second gift to women. The first gift to all the ladies was Sixth Ashton. What?! What?! Whoop it up, my B'oyz!
Knowing was pretty fantastic. And it had a good message.
The world IS ENDING. But unlike Nick Cage, WE don't know when it will end.
We don't trust in rocks. We trust in the Bible.
God's Google Maps for how to get to Heaven.

So as we enter the final days of LENT. Remember that these are just traditions. Traditions filled with powerful messages. But ultimately just a symbol, an emblem of what has happened and the promise of what will happen.

Use Easter to invite your friends to Church. Why not go see KNOWING with Nick Cage sometime this week? It will start a conversation, and raise questions, all of which will be answered on EASTER when the horns blare and the choir sings, and Ol' Mark Abbott comes out swinging and a thumping the Lord's promises down to us.

Just remember, the world WILL END, but Nick Cage WILL NOT be there to Save you.

Popular Photography

2008-08-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am using my time off this summer to continue my education.
Too often during the school year we, as administrators and faculty, get caught up in teaching so much that we rarely get to expand our own minds.
So I dedicated some time this summer to take an art class: popular photography.
Photography is an ancient art that is coming back in vogue in our fast paced text messaging culture.
Composition is the first skill to learn. How to recognize or create a subject that is engaging.
Well, I think I have a natual knack for this subject and I think you will too. It shows off the amny rich layers each of us has thanks to our creator.
I call it, "Me at My Heart"

Crammin' then scrammin'

2008-05-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

Dude! Only two weeks left before Finals!
I better get cracking on beating this game:

I keep losing Moses in the river. Hmrpf.
This game is too hard. Maybe Steeley-boy is right: it is not a good replacement for Ufoundations.

A New Slogan?

2008-05-21T01:55:00.000-07:00

This should tell you how awesome I am:
SPU's signature commitment to "know and understand what is going on in the world."

The precious faculty came up with this, the dumbest catch phrase EVER!

Why do they even try to compete?

"Engaging the Culture, Changing the World" will live on FOREVER!!!!!!!!

I am a genius.

Just look below at my genius. Gawk, you pleebs. You flanges of academia.

My slogan is just so good....
.......I deserve a sandwich.
Tasty, Tasty, double bacon, double cheese, footlong meatball sub.
I'm gonna hop in my car right now and drive down to the C-Store.

Engaging the Culture: How To

2008-05-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

How are students engaging the world?

Happy Easter Y'alls!

2008-03-22T23:14:00.001-07:00

I be all relaxing in my pad in the big AZ this Easter weekend. I hope you all are taking some time to chill and relax. That's what Easter is all about. Bacon and ham, eggs, and macaroni salad. The Missus whips up this great macaroni salad every Easter and every year ol' steeley boy is like "can I have the recipe?" and then he tries to make it for the memorial day BBQ on the beach and it is never the same and he still doesn't know why. this is why: the missus uses miracle whip but I take the recipe and cross it out and write mayonaise. Every Time! Les Steele sure is a dupe. The old Mayonaise and Miracle Whip switcharoo. Watch out for that and other great laughs, gaffs, and guffaws from your ol' pal Philly E, this April Fool's Day.

Peace!
Happy Easter.
P (to the) Izil

Jonesin' for a Jones Soda

2008-01-17T17:22:00.001-08:00

I love me some Jones Soda. You know what else I love?
Venture Bros.
It is the best thing EVER! It is the reason Eli Whitney invented the TV.
It is TV I can relate too.
This is SO me when students complain about chapel credits.

Take THAT metaphorical mummy of student disrest!

P-dawg in the house!

Rommney is my hero

2008-01-15T01:09:00.001-08:00

They were out of frosted flakes today at the cafeteria. This, is, a tragedy.
I don't even want to live on days like today.
But I had already woken up. Late. But this is where the old Eaton is clever. I sleep in late every day just in case. Because while Gwinn came up short on the breakfast, it was only 20 minutes til lunch. Cheeseburger City! I easily killed 20minutes by drinking 12 glasses of vanilla coke in a challenge set forth by 6th ashton males. little did they know that the old Phil Dog can really tie one on at the cafeteria. You have classes to go, fools! I've spent days in here. And Nights. I've never been awake early enough to see the crew team, but I've been up late enough to see them.
Them and their blending smoothies at the table. They call themselves innovators. I call them shortsighted. Why blend fruit when you've got soft serve. If only they could see the error of their ways and come home to the true greatness of Gwinn. Then, maybe they'll rename it. I've always said that it shouldn't be Gwinn Commons; It should be Gwinn Spectaculars. Cause there is nothing more spectacular than starting the day with five milkshakes, taking a nap by the fire, waking up to 12 glasses of vanilla coke, half dozen cheeseburgers, with fries, and 7 slices of that fabulous pepperoni pizza you can only get in Gwinn Spectacular!

Why do You Hate Faculty? This is why:

2008-01-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

The faculty have a little newsletter they circle around to each other to make themselves feel better. I always grab some Ben and Jerrys from the CStore. But alas, the english dept. has to prove their puny existence and by that I mean that their existence is puny.

Read this gem from their latest publication and you might learn a few things:

Submit a Pet Photo to the Fac/Staff Bulletin.

Show off your pet by submitting a photo to the Fac/Staff Bulletin for the "Pet Photo of the Week." Faculty and staff are encouraged to send a photo of their pet, including the pet's name and a couple of sentences explaining the picture, to the Fac/Staff Bulletin editor.

Pet Photo of the Week

This is 9-year-old Garvis, looking at me like somehow the recent snow was my fault! We got him from PAWS five years ago. He's a big cat, but very friendly-a gentle giant I guess. He has two other cat friends at our house, Midnight and Bradley. He's also quite vocal and you can hold a 'conversation' with him."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

j/k! Eat it! Fooled you! I don't care what you think your cat thinks. You're never gonna be Jim Davis. Why do you even try?

Things to learn from this photo:

1. English dept. are wimps.

2. Humanities? more like I-love-cat-ities.

3. This is what your profs do during the 23 hrs each day they are not teaching some BS ancient literature. I'm serious. They don't do anything else. They don't even eat. One time I was in gwinn and I saw Jennifer Maier licking her cat photo and I was like "gross!" I was gonna give her a dollar for food, but you know what? she just would have spent it on more cat photos.

4. The real question is why weren't they rocking 5th Street like all the other important people? I was out there with my cafeteria tray in hand and under my butt. Look out speed bumps--the Eatonator is plowing on through!

5. Eng Dept. has no sense of awesome-itude. No cat is photo worthy. This is photo worthy:

Who can't resist the temptation of the Eaton Grand Prix:

Four animals can't. That's who! Five if you count the Eatonator. Some say he, meaning me, is ferocious when he eats, fierce in hunger and passionate in all things delicious. Look, nay, Marvel, MARVEL, I say, at the sandwich supreme. Every bit of delicious. I call it the Noah's Ark of Sandwiches. Chicken, Cow, Tuna, Chicken, Pig, and Cow again. YES there is repeats and YES I CAN taste a difference if it is not there.

All this talking, oops, "blogging" about delicious sub sandwiches has made me hungry!

Grrrrrrrrr......

Peace OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McCrath

2007-11-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

McGruf was famous for taking a bite out of crime.
And at SPU Soccer Coach Cliff McCrath was responsible for taking a bite out of SPU's obscurity among academic instutions. This has to stop!

Taking SPU to the finals 30 times, and winning the national soccer championship five times was just about the only thing SPU was ever famous for and we had to put that to a stop before he became the winningest coach in history. I mean, we barely avoided fame with the whole Eugene Peterson thing. It is a good thing he defected to Canada before links could be made from Peterson to SPU's viability as an academic and spiritual institution. I mean, if people start coming to SPU because it is respected for its accomplishments and competency in its endeavors, what will become of our new science building and our diversity efforts?

What would you rather have? A successful sports team that gains respect from regional and national and international figures? Or the multi-cultural dinner? I know, but what if I told you that the multi-cultural dinner is free food? Vote with your stomachs.

Salary Debates

2007-11-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

A special report came out this week in the Falcon about private univerisity president's salaries. I'm telling you because lord knows no one reads it. And I call it special because there was the tinsiest bit of reporting involved in that the news team read something other than the chapel calendar of events.

Anyway, I'm not that thrilled because they missed the point of the report. Les read it to me while I was in gwinn waiting for the help to restock the fruit loops. Apparently they published my salary in some report and students are asking why I get paid so much. The real tragedy is why I get paid so LITTLE! Do you know how much you pay for your education here? Like 30,000! So basically I get money from like ten kids. That's it! Where does the other money go? The library? I bet Reinsma and his other qwacks in the english dept. want a new copy of beowulf or some other stupid story that has been around since like WWII.
I should get more money. And the list proves that. I mean, Clyde Cook of BIOLA makes more money than me! That is a real outrage! Look, you are either with me or against me but the bottom line is that we all know we are all better than Biola. As Seth Meyers would say, "Really?!?"

I understand that as a university we have priorities. For example, landscaping. How can we be a city on the hill if we don't have prized rhodys? We can give like, 5 kids, five kids for the rhodys, two or maybe three for the gate, and then what? I should get like at least one classroom full of students' tuition money. And make it a uscholars class, that's the smart money.

Then, after that, use the rest of the money for your filthy word-pages.

A very special thanksgiving

2007-11-27T15:48:00.000-08:00

If there is one day a year that is OK to wake up before noon, it is thanksgiving. Because you are guaranteed a nap after lunch. That's the only way it is worth. Because let's face it, friends, to keep me looking this good, I need 15 hours of sleep per night.

This year I watched the macys parade while wearing my favorite jammys and les steele served me hot chocolate in my moose-head mug with extra marshmallows, because diabetes risk or not, it is the holidays, steely-boy and I am no scrooge.

This year the parade had a new balloon. The Al Roker balloon! Congrats, Al. But isn't it ironic that he had to lose all the weight in order to immortalized in balloon fashion.

"God bless us everyone." - Al roker

Peace Out Homies, don't chzoke on the nzeck bone!
PHIL DAWG

37Five Origins

2007-10-10T00:38:00.000-07:00

Now that the school year is back, Les is really Crackin' the whip. Even the Mrs. is getting on his bandwagon and has replaced all my cap'n crunch with wheat bran cluster from trader joe's. Capn crunch is delicious! We all know that. But what Les and The Mrs. don't get is that Capn Crunch is the cereal of the people. I don't want to get all Chavez on you, but there is something about identifying with the people you rule. In this case, it is the students. Well, I guess it is more technically the faculty and staff, but I don't want to sit around reading anne sexton poems and talk about feelings and all the gay academia stuff. I am with the students, my peeps, and my peeps forage for themselves at the banquet table of the 7-11. And there, as my loyal readers know, there they serve Capn Crunch 24/7. Not this 9am to 9pm trader jose garbage. PLUS 7-11 is downhill.

Les is at it again making me do stuff like meet my hero, GWB. And show up at the office in the middle of the day! Doesn't he know that's when the movies are cheapest? And who is gonna see Good Luck Chuck if not I?

Les says I am lazy. And again, I claim this to be part of my plan to reach out to the students, who are incredibly, incredibly lazy. We all know KSPU was down last year because no one gives a darn. But now it is back up according to crack reporting by the ever-fledgling Falcon weekly newspaper. And No one liked the old CFE program which was the laxest chapel attendance program of any college in the CCCU. And the SPU bus program gives students FREE bus passes. No one cares.

So I told him, I could give money to these students and they wouldn't spend it. The way I see it, is if I give them free money and they still don't spend it, I don't see why I can't not do diddlysquat and still get paid to go see The Brave One, I mean, at least that is engaging something albeit in a passive way.

Peace out my homies, stay chill!

Resolving the Sonics Situation

2007-09-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

I pretty much dominated campus this week with all my speeches and what not and that pretty cool, even cooler than the fact that I wore that robe thingy so much I barely ever had to wear pants and I can sneak donut holes in my funny little hat.

After all that talking I was pretty worn out so Steeley-boy tucked me in with a juice box and an Eaton-sized sudoku puzzle to keep me busy for the rest of the week.
It's just like regular sudoku, but harder cause there is only four instead of nine.
Well, I fooled him. I finished early.
Check it, Steeley-boy!

Now that I am done with that I set my mind to bigger problems. Like the sonics. Here is my Blue Print for the 21st Century for Keeping the Sonics in Seattle.

1. Borrow from the best advertisers in the business: political advisers. We start a major mudslinging campaign against Oklahoma City.
Seattle we got starbucks, boeing, amazon.com, microsoft, nintendo, costco, and all these great multi-national companies. What is Oklahoma famous for?

Okies.
And they are famous for LEAVING oklahoma. Trust the natives on this one, sonics, leave Oklahoma City alone.

2. There has been some problems selling box seats. Well, that is an easy fix. No one wants teriyaki food. I call it Teri-yucky. I'm sure we'll sell out and raise prices with this new menu:

3.
With each ticket you get a date with a member of the sonics dance team. This is bound to work because in a city that is famous for businesses like boeing and microsoft, there ins't a lot of dudes who could otherwise get women on their own. The Key Arena will be the next Eharmony.com.

Of course, you will need a bigger dance team. We've got plenty of girls here at SPU you can use. The best sonics dance team members are already from SPU anyway. There is one rule though, there can be no competition among the girls. Girls are equal. We can't be comparing them to one another. I got in a lot of trouble for that over here last year. Girls by their own nature would never compare themselves to other women, but then guys, as satan, make girls compete and it is unHoly. So ground rules: no comparing, no touching, and nothing to be worn that isn't sold at JCPenny. Spirited, but modest.

Lastly, if all that doesn't work, Re-Branding is the answer. If the Sonics leave, we just make Seattle out to be TOO GOOD for the Sonics. Just like SPU is TOO GOOD for a football team. I mean, we have soccer. Not as cool in the American college leagues, but when we are engaging the World the whole World all at once, we gotta be like the whole world. And we can do it. So suck it the Sonics. We don't need you anyway, go to Oklahoma, see if we care!

Bon Voyage! Don't forget that the corpse has to stay in until you get there.

Welcome back!

2007-09-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

We all know that SPU is the Second coolest school ever. The coolest being the schooling you get when you try to play me a little Halo 3, that's right fools I dare you!

The alleged "Ivy" League university Columbia --they don't give ivy to every student like I do.-- is all up in the grill of newsmakers because they invited "controversial" Iranian President Ahmadinejad to their campus. Well Columbia can Sit On IT! I say.

And mind you that SPU is a true IVY school because we give you IVY when you graduate! How awesome is that? I'd say it is about as awesome as a double deluxe burger from Dick's Drive In and that is about the coolest thing I can think of, which puts it in the running for coolest thing ever conceived of by mankind.

I had to give like a gazillion speeches. Even I was bored. How could anyone be excited when Balls of Fury is still in theaters?

Anyway kids, I hope you enjoy the school year, survive FUSION, and make it to the date auction.

Peace out my homies,
PhilDawgg!

(the extra G is for goodness)

Nothing to Do!

2007-06-18T21:56:00.001-07:00

Nothing to do today. School's out for summer as the great Alice Cooper once said.
So I had my own pajama party. It was rad. I slept in til 11am watched some southpark DVDs while eating waffles topped with peanut butter, topped with chocolate sauce, topped with fresh fruit topped with whipped cream topped with Reese's Pieces topped with sprinkles and flintstones vitamins. The choice of 80's rock stars like myself. (don't alter your mind, enhance your body, with vitamins, that's the jesus way to rock, as all you loyal "MC PHILDAWG" fans remember)
afterwards though I got kinda bummed without steely boy around who can i openly mock for ridiculous, uncuth, unsightly, ungodly, facial hair. Les Steele or Al Borlin can anyone tell anymore?

Separated at BIRTH?????

but then I remembered that gwinn had several gallons of ice cream left over from the end days rally. i forced a safety officer to open the cafeteria for me by pretending the snickers bar i always keep in my jacket was a gun. he totally fell for it. stupid security, if I had my way, that would be the next department to outsource. but les "i don't think so, phil" steele says, well, he says "I don't think so, phil." But me and johnny had a good time, after he watched me eat the first few gallons, I let him join in. it was pretty rad.

after the ice cream binge, i was feeling pretty bloated, so i decided to go for a walk. when i got to subway i got my wife-mandated veggie sub (yelch) and dale checked by card off so the wifey would know I'd eaten it.

Tonight I am gonna pop a couple bags of popcorn and settle in to watch some Big Love on HBO. Hey man it is a good show, i am down with what is hip, afterall I am MC phildawg

Grand Marshall

College Rankings

2007-04-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

So Steely-boytells me that US News' famous college rankings has come under fire and a lot of college presidents want to start their own alternative college ranking system. But the trouble is what do we base it on. Steely-boy is upset (hmrpf) with US News because their ranking based on SAT scores and acceptance rates really tells nothing about the kind of education students get once they get to college. Blah Blah Blah. Steely-boy wants to poll the students about how challenged they feel by the curriculum. More Blah Blah Blah. Why do I care? I ask you, steely-boy.
Everybody knows what matters most and what makes a college the best dang college ever, and that is SPU, of course: double bacon cheseburgers with unlimited bacon refills.

Most colleges give you two strips of bacon. The good ones give you three, maybe four if you are Ivy league material.

SPU gives me unlimited bacon refills and that's what makes SPU the best college in the land. Right, fellow bacon lover Mark Abbot? SPU is the greatest! Yes Yes Yes!

If you love Bacon, you'll love SPU. And if you love SPU, you'll show your love by wearing this t shirt. It's kind of like the orphan orange t shirt, but cooler.....

What a Bummer, Kristen!

2007-01-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

SPU was robbed of glory by the devil's hencemen (including, but not limited to Chris Mathews.)

You all know Kristen Eddings, former SPU student, co-founder of SPU's college republicans. Well-loved Ashton student. Currently Miss Washington, and until last night a potential Miss America. It seemed like nothing could stop her rise to glory.
Lifting the banner of God and SPU and Country for all to see. What better platform than Miss America to let your light shine, as a city on a hill, there is no greater hill or city than the title of Miss America.

However some people don't think so. Who are these crazy people? Kristen dominated in all categories. It seemed like she had it in a pinch.

Then, out of nowhere she's called out. Yanked out of the competition. WHY? What forces prevailed. Whose power exceeded that of even Chris Matthews?
I think I have a Good Idea. There is a group of people aiming to dismantle any kind of rise to the top. They brazenly proclaim: "There is no ranking here; we are all equal in the eyes of God." This should be a wake up call for all of us that some people do not like SPU. They do not want us to succeed.

I don't know who is behind this "stop the madness" campaign. But I want you to take a look, a good long look, at Kristen's face. Look to see how happy she is. And know that you, yes you, took that away from her. You took it away from her, her family, and our school.

Homecoming Theme

2007-01-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

Steele-y boy decided the theme for the homecoming should be "Can a university change the world?" which is totally lame but made even lamer because he stole that idea off of all the banners in the martin square! (seriously, he did. go check it out!)
I said the theme should be "Can a university funk the face off of a city?" and we could have my hip-hop group "PFunk and the Munchins" raise the roof and then bring the house down at the homecoming game after party.

He said a hip hop theme wouldn't be in line with the thrust of the university. Which clearly meant to me that our goals are off. I mean what are our spu goals? Sitting still? Being Sober? Reading? Lame. Lame! LAME! totally lame.

This is the year of the reign of funk at SPU. Tell the spu jazz band to pick some new tunes. Give up the kenny loggins and bust out the george clinton. I mean the guy has the names of our last TWO presidents, so you know he is cool AND important.

Falcon Awesome

2007-01-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

The Seattle Pacific University "Falcon Awesome" campaign is, in a word... "AWESOME." I am proud of our school and I am glad that students are proud to be here too. Some "debbie downers" like les steele and the ASSP apparently think SPU sucks. But we, we here at Falcon Awesome, know that SPU is Falcon AWESOME and that BIOLA is the one that sucks. (repeat: SPU=Falcon AWESOME. Biola=SUCKFACE) medina says repition is the key to learning or something, I mean, I was playing psp but for your sake (repeat: SPU=Falcon AWESOME. Biola=SUCKFACE). If anyone wants to buy me a t-shirt I will so totally wear it to the next board meeting and flash it in the face of the trustees (nothing says "wazzup, bitches?!?!?" like a falcon awesome t-shirt. And this pretty falcon awesome) cause they need to catch the SPU school spirit fever, known to the coolest of the cool as "falcon awesome."
The only place the falcon awesome campaign failed was in its limited vision for how falcon awesome SPU actually is, which is pretty falcon awesome.
T-shirts and tailgate parties? Don't get me wrong, those things are falcon awesome, but you know what would be falcon awesomer?
keggers. pumpkin milkshakes at red mill. gorditos season passes for falcon awesome club members. remote controll blimps at all falcon awesome basketball games. falcon awesome mascot vs. local sasquatch sonics mascot in all out falcon awesome mascot cage match. a giant, falcon awesome burning-man-style effigy of clyde cook falcon awful president of falcon awful BIOLA.

In the end we all learned what was truly Falcon Awesome (Falcon Awesome) and was truly lame (1. ASSP executive members. 2. Les Steele 3. Books. 4. ASSP in general. 5. Clyde Cook, BIOLA, et al)

peace out my falcon awesome home-dogs!
-Pdzawgh

P.S. I think you're falcon awesome! ;)

Christmas Finals

2006-12-05T08:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight I have the faculty coming over to my place for a little Christmas party. So lame. I mean the shrimp cocktails and crab cakes will be awesome. But the guests. Argh. All brainy and stuffy. Dead Sea Scrolls Lectures? C'mon, they are dead scrolls. Can scrolls ever be alive? I don't think so. So why waste my time telling me about it. You're smart. I believe you. You don't have to prove it to me, you just have to let me be me and that means letting me play some Fishbee.

Fishbee is not only the ultimate sport, it is also the ultimate spiritual exercise. These students are tossing a fish to and fro each other. Wasn't it Jesus who first tossed a fish into the air and when it hit the ground it shattered into 5,000 pieces which all grew into whole fishes and then he used those to feed the disciples at the last all you can eat buffet supper? That's what I remember from the Da Vinci Code. I mean, I slept through a lot of the boring stuff (about dead scrolls) but when J.C. and his homeboys start using the fish to cut off the ears of a roman soldiers in the garden of bloodshed, now that was big budget hollywood that can SAVE souls. I always knew the Hanksster had a Christian side.

Go with God,
I'm OUT!!!!!!!

PHiLDaWG

Blogging Across America

2006-11-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

Les Steele's fancy NY TIMES paper did a feature article about university presidents who blog in order to connect with students. Apparently, I started a trend, according to the university administration intern who summarized the article for me. Because I don't need to read it, I've lived it.......

PhilDawg OUT!

Thanksgiving for all (except you know who....)

2006-11-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

You know who won't be celebrating thanksgiving this week? Canadians. And I think that is a little weird. They've already had a thanksgiving. And can't they have another one for us? Are they that ungrateful? Maybe it is best because I like my turkey and stuffing the way it, i.e. I don't want it smothered in mayonaise and maple syrup. Because Canadians are gross like that. If there is one thing I've learned from my trip to the far east, it is that culture is not something you just get to have. Asians have culture they've suffered for it. They've suffered for spicy foods and fancy floor coverings and inferior eating utensils. Canadians have no culture. I mean what do they have to be grateful for anyway? I think they are just trying to be America all over again. But that's never gonna happen. Because America is #1! As the saying goes "God Bless America... and do not spare the rod with Canada" The second half is pretty much unsaid these days but I think the context still says how we feel, as Americans.
God Bless,
PHIL-icious

Meteorite Named After PHIL W EATON

2006-10-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, dude, another meteorite fell to the earth today! Maybe with a few more falling they will kill off all the old dumb creatures like they did in the first one, but probably not, because sequels always bite the big one in hollywood and meteor showers. So I guess for now, I'll just have to scare away Les with endless taunts about my recent victory over him and his kids in the annual Eaton vs Steele pancake round up. We met at Ihop at 7am on the day of the State of the University address before the new school year. No one stops eating pancakes unless they want to forfeit their chance at victory and/or tenure and timeouts are only allowed so the contestant can eat biscuits and gravy one of the best non pancake items at IHOP. I totally waxed les and his kids by 13 pancakes.

rankings:
Eaton#1: pancakes eaten: 32, biscuit and gravy breaks: 6
Les: pancakes eaten: 4 biscuit and gravy breaks: 0, illegal fruit bowl breaks:1, equals 3 net pancakes
Les' boy kid: pancakes eaten: 8, biscuit and gravy breaks: 0, illegal lucky charms cereal breaks: 12
Les' girl kid: pancakes eaten 7, biscuit and gravy breaks: 6,

Team Steele was no match for Phil "one man pancake eating machine" Eaton. What an embarassment to the university.

This is all just a warm up for hill hall retreat at the end of the month where tami "anderson" englehorn and I will face off veggie burger for bacon burger at camp casey. this is an open seating event so get there early!

Quite clearly, my awesomeness rules the campus just like I rule the campus, and because of that I declare the new meteorite to be named after me. I don't have naming authority of meteorite, I don't even know if meteorites are bestowed names, but this one is and it's known as "Phil Eaton."

Perkins Center Explained

2006-09-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

When Les first came to me with the idea of a Perkins center I was down with the idea.
Finally, Les was showing his cool side by endorsing rockabilly grassroots music. He totally closed himself off to my praise though by insisting it was about reconciliation. I dig that. Carl knew poverty; his first guitar was a matchbox and broomhandle. And yet he grew up to drive black cadillacs with Johnny Cash and Elvis. The american dream and christ's calling on all our lives.

Once it was built I learned that the center wasn't dedicated to carl perkins, but john perkins.
You can see how the confusion was made.

And that's cool I guess. I don't need a new music consevatory anyway; my brand of music is hiphop. That comes from the streets. It defies your precious instituitions, Les. In your face.
If I know John Perkins, he'll be bustin' some fly moves to my mad beats next time he hops a jet up here. Maybe you'll see us down on Nickerson next time you are doing your FFMC streat cleaning.

And that's the biznitz on the Perkins center.
Phil-dawg!!!!!!!!

what i did on my summer vacation part 1

2006-08-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with les steele, or as I like to call him "Potsy 2000", and i insisted we go to dicks drive in. He wanted to go to Canlis. But Canlis is totally bogus, you gotta wear a suit and tie and I wasn't feeling those threads today. My board shorts and Tee were all I could manage. Potsy 2000 needs to learn to engage the culture. He hasn't even updated his blog since last october.
Anyway, so, like we hit up the drive in for the standard double deluxe, fries, onions, chocolate shake, soda, mint ice cream cone, and a cheeseburger for dessert. The guy in front of me in line orders a "triple deluxe" i'm like no way! When I get to the head I am like quadruple deluxe and the cashier doesnt even bat an eye! I said "Wait, wait, wait wait wait! Change it up to the fifth style." And the cashier rzings me up for a five patty burger. And I am like "no way! how many patties can I get on a burger?" She says she has never seen someone eat a five patty burger before and I am like I dont care what you have seen I want to know what you can do. "Forget about the past, look for the potential," I said, invoking the mission of the john perkins center for racial reconciliation.
With potsy 2000 as mediator we decided on a 20x20 burger. 20 beef patties and 20 slices of cheese. delicious, delicious cheese.
That is what summer is all about.

Come, Worship with ME!

2006-08-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

Christian cruises are all the rage.
But these christian communities afloat on the high seas won't out do SPU.
We are the original Christian bubble. We are the biggest and the best.
In air, on land.... or at SEA!

My new cruise ship will be kickin' awesome.
We'll have GROUP 24/7 but then we'll also have live productions of Doube Dare and Family Double Dare. Both of which are available for you to participate in if you sign up on the lido deck.

Praise God for this new venture in spirituality.
SPU is constantly engaging the culture and changing the world!

PHIL W DOG

Les = Lex?

2006-07-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my fourth of july weekend. It was fantastic. A little bit longer than most, but afterall I am the president. Have you guys seen superman? Totally frickin awesome.
It got me thinking about the problem of evil. In the movie, the evil villain is named Lex Luther. At SPU Les Steele is always making me go to meetings and present budgets and stuff and because of that I have often called him the spawn of satan. Anyway, I think there may be some kind of connection here.

Basically, I am like superman because every kid wants to be superman and/or me. (For some, it is hard to distinguish between the two of us.) But what kills me coolness is board meetings. Argh, how I hate board meetings. Just like Superman hate kryptonite because it kills him. Lex is the only person on earth with access to kryptonite. Also, Les is the only person who has the power to call board meetings and make me go. Also, kryptonite causes cancer, and I think the similarities that I have already established here prove my long standing claim that board meetings cause cancer.

Anyway, I am back in full force so warm up the SNES and stock up on malomars, cause this Phil keeps it on the real!

SPU Girls Gone Wild

2006-06-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of women at SPU, who make huge acheivements in their lives.
Surely, these few will be among them.

Peace Out-
PHIL DAWG

Doughnut Day

2006-06-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently National Doughnut Day was June 2nd.
I can't believe I missed it! I was totally distracted by playing spiderman.
But the passing of this holiday made me realize how non-chalant we have become about honoring the doughnut. The greatest thing to happen to fried bread, since someone thought to wrap a hotdog inside of some cornbread.
So... by the power invested in me by the board of trustees and my ranking as 53rd most powerful man in Seattle and 18th most powerful man in Seattle shorter than 5'6", I hereby declare every friday doughnut day. And each week we will honor a new type of doughnut. There is a wonderful diversity of doughnuts--bear claws, fritters, cake, maple bars--and in keeping with our custom of celebrating diversity, we want to honor the unique aspects of every doughnut.
The first week, we will indulge in the rich, virbant nature of the peach fritter. Always an underdog: "is it a doughnut or is it a muffin?", always ignorantly mistaken for an apple fritter, the peach fritter has survived in this harsh pastry world and certainly adds to the wonderful character of SPU.
Join me in toasting the peach fritter as our first of many honorees.

for peach is a jolly good doughnut
it makes for a yummy good fritter
for peach is a jolly good doughnut
which nobody can deny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(not even you steeley-boy!)

peace
PHILDAAAAAAAAAAAAWG

President's Sabbatical Journey Reflections

2006-05-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

For those of you who missed my chapel speech last tuesday or whenever that was, here is a basic summary of my reflections about my sabbatical journey:

I'm working hard to get my fill. Everybody wants a thrill, payin’ anything to roll the dice Just one more time. Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues. Oh, the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on... Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard. Their shadows searching in the night. Streetlight people, living just to find emotion. Hiding, somewhere in the night.
In conclusion let me just say, "Don’t stop believin’! Hold on to the feelin’!"

Peace out- a town
PHIL

The Long Arm of Phil Eaton

2006-05-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that www.spumadness.blogspot.com has been revised to properly reflect the acheivements of SPU women. About time.

If anyone dare make light of, lust after, or fail to worship the girls at SPU as holy and pristine images of God that they are, then I will take the cup of God's wrath and fury and put it to your lips and make you drink. I hope you rot in hell.

Other than that, it has been a pretty chill day. Mexicans aren't around today and that's cool. I might take the day off too. After all, I did eat one of the big burritos at gorditos once and that's like honorary mexican rites right there.

PHIL

President's Play

2006-04-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

The President of Iran recently got nukes. That's not acceptable!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does he get nukes when I don't? I'm a president too.
If I had nukes, I would hold up Dick's drive in. And then go blow up UW.
Where's your fancy basketball team now? Smithereens. Little bits and pieces. No longer a member of "existence." Roasting in hell for their atheistic, sex-a-holic, left-leaning, public school ways. Take that! Our women's team might not be able to dunk (yet) but they are hotter than yours. Also, they love the Lord.
Team Verse: Psalm 56:1
boo ya kasha!

I'm gonna go eat cupcakes
check ya later
PHILDiZAWG

Uncuth Youth

2006-04-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

In France students are protesting legislation that would allow employers to fire "youths" without giving a reason.
Put yourself in the shoes of the employer. You have kids working for you, one day you decide you don't like the kid anymore, he/she turns out to be kind of a prick/heifer. Now you are locked in for two weeks with this chunker. Not cool. If only we were in france, where they know what's up. They know that they may need to be able to hire filthy french bitches on a whim. And that means cutting some of the fat. Like a nice easter ham. And so some of the people must be let go or forced into unpaid internships.

If only SPU could engage this culture, we would be an even greater beacon of light / city on a hill to our surrounding neighbors.

Viva la FRENCH!

GOOD FRIDAY

2006-04-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my enthusiasm for good friday was misguided. Apparently it does parallel with "payday winchell's friday"
nor does it mean dick's drive in has $.05 burgers, it has no relation to commemorating the day krispy kreme open in issaquah by eating one doughnut for every mile you travelled to get there, and it has nothing to do with FILM NOIR fridays on AMC.

Apparently, it is about the death of Jesus. "A long time ago, far far away, Jesus died for you this day."

So as you remember Jesus' sacrifice this day, be sure to do something you think he'd miss out on, like winchell's or double deluxe's from dick's, or a couple doughnuts from krispy kreme or a couple dozen doughtnuts from krispy kreme.

Person of the Week!

2006-04-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

This week's Phileaton.com Person of the Week is....

JOHN RAMBO

He doesn't want to put on a headband and kill people, but he does it anyway.
That's the kind of spirit that made America great and it made SPU great too.
With a little luck and little bit of pluck, I'm sure John Rambo will rise to be a great citizen.
One who engages the culture and changes the world. Even if it means single handedly taking on Afghanistan.

PHIL

Subway Eat Fresh

2006-04-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

Les Steele is always walking around campus scarfing down veggie sandwiches from subway, thinking he is "Holier-than-phil" because he eats at subway. WRONG. So do I. I even have a sandwich named after me at our local subway:

The PhilDawg Grinder

Jalapeno cheesey bread
Meatballs
Extra Meatballs
Double Bacon
Pepperjack cheese
-toast it--
Ranch dressing
Southwest Sauce (gotta support my peeps in my home region)

Les Steele couldn't even handle this sandwich. He'd take one bite and get a bloody nose of something. Wimp.

Sports Haters

2006-04-01T13:28:00.000-08:00

Everyone is excited about the Final Four this weekend.
No one is protesting basketball. And yet some people have to get in the way of MY favorite sport/pastime.

BIOLAn Shame

2006-03-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

SPU is a beacon of light in Seattle and in the greater Pacific Northwest Region, if I do say so myself. And I do frequently.
What makes SPU so great is how much we are not like BIOLA.
BIOLA is a joke university.

Keeping it Real

2006-02-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

ICE T is celebrating his 48th Birthday today.

He has turned his life around, starting off as a rapper, laying down lyrics with Arsenio Hall. He became known as the godfather of gangsta music, rapping about killing cops on the song subtely titled "Cop Killer". He is an entrepeneuar, in that he formed his own record label (after being dropped by Sony). And he hosted "Ice T's Pimping 101." Now he plays a cop on TV and provides voiceovers for Grand Theft Auto San Andreas as well as Dark Wing Duck.

Throughout his career as a rap artist, tv and film actor, and always public figure, Ice T has learned quite a bit about race relations and how to make appeals across various racial divides.

In his own words:
" I bring black people and ethnic people. I bring an edge to the show, because at any moment I might smack the shit out of somebody."

Give them what they want, Ice, give them what they want.

PhilDog

Engaging the Celebrities

2006-02-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

Jim Wallis is totally lame with his color code for God. Not blue, Not red, not pin striped. Geez. Back off. And he wants us to become involved with the poor? Why? What's the gain in that? The poor don't shape the culture, or change the world. You know who shapes culture? Who changes the world? Hugh Hefner. We should have a ministry for him. Every morning we'll get together in the hill hall lounge and pray for him and then we'll mail him religious tracts, and then at night in the hill hall movie lounge we will scour his publications and see if our ministry is making any marked difference. It worked for Mel Gibson it can work for Hugh!

2006-01-15T23:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!

Thoughts From the Pot

2006-01-10T00:35:00.000-08:00

The Burrito Bomb at 7-11 is named the burrito bomb for good reason. After eating 5 on a dare (Grrr you Kitson), I took a major bomb. While in tremendous pain, I cried out for God's mercy. This got me thinking about the humanity/divinity nature of Christ. To be fully human surely Christ must have felt this pain. But then again I don't think I could believe in a god who ate such a big breakfast that he stretched his sphincter out. I don't know...

Let me know what you think.

Phil

Happy Wrestling Day to Canadian Students!

2005-12-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

For all you undergrad students who are still learning how to engage the culture, let me tell you the history of Canada's Christmas Sequel, known as Wrestling Day.

There is a great dispute on the origins of Wrestling Day:

1. In fuedal times, peasants would give christmas gifts to their fuedal lords. If the lord was displeased with your gift you would have to wrestle to the death against another poor gift giver. If you won the wrestling match and lived to see another Christmas, then you'd better find a better gift for next year. Usually gifts of Pork, Jewelry, and Furniture were failsafe gifts and gifts of songs, books. and jest were sure to land you in the wrestling ring. The essential truth of this tradition is still true today as I would much prefer Bacon or a nap to the dixie chicks album and the filthy wordpages I got this year. SPU doesn't have a wrestling team anymore, but the gymnastics team seems to spend a lot of time their backs so we'll make you join the team.

2. Some theorists claim that the celebration and practice described above is not the true origins of the holiday celebrated today. That the origins of the holiday started when Canadians were really into boxing one year and everyone spontaneously gave each other betamax copies of "Wrestling's Ultimate Smack-Downs." The Prime Minister declared the day not only a National Holiday but also a Holy Day as he rushed to give Sainthood to Vince McMahon. Some of our Canadian Exchange students have encouraged the Chapel staff to honor this holiday traditions of theirs, but that is just ridiculous... I mean who has a betamax machine?

3. Marxists Historians ascribe to the theory that wrestling day is the day after christmas because the western protestant bolshevist capitalist machine grinds to a stop on christmas eve and remains at rest for one day. During that day the proletariat dared to stop and tend to their wounds incurred during their hard under appreciated manual labor. The day after Christmas, the capitalist pigs would return to their capitalist profit machine and need to oil it... oil it with the blood of the workers and hence needed to wrestle them and beat them into the ground before the start of the work day so that the capitalist machine could start up again. We see this celebrated today in the way that post christmas sales lure the workers into the stores and all those fools climb all over each other to get the 50% off deal on a plastic rock-n-roll santa that plays the guitar and sings "jingle bell rock" six times before turning off.

Of course for lame-os like Les Steele the holiday means wrestling free from the lame bio-flex home gym work out machine he wanted for christmas. I however celebrated by opening a box of mallomars and taking a nap, a gift I always remember to give to myself.

Now you know....

Peace on Earth
Good Will Towards Phil

Thoughts on Tookie

2005-12-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

As posted by phil eaton:

Some people have asked me to share my thoughts on Tookie Williams execution.
I am not surprised that a governor who came to fame as "The Terminator" followed through with the termination of Tookie's life.

Was he guilty? Did he redeem himself?
This is a tough case. Tookie was convicted for killing four people 26 years ago. Since then he has worked towards peace and reducing gang violence. However, one was a convenience store clerk. Convenience stores sell mallomars. How can you redeem yourself? Bad Tookie, Bad!

Divorce Kevin, Right NOW!

2005-12-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

Folks,

Just because I am on sabatical does not mean it is all malomars and Dicks Double Deluxe Cheeseburgers.
No we in the Phil Eaton camp are still working hard to change the world. And today we took a bold step by signing the petition to get Britney to Divorce Kevin.

My hope is that you will follow my great leadership in demanding the break up of this hideous hollywood couple. Please sign the petition at www.divorcekevin.com

The other half of my plan has always been for SPU to engage the culture. And right after the divorce would be the perfect time for one of SPU's finest "Centurions" to step up and prophetically lead Hollywood into an era of good, wholesome, Christian marriages.

Peace, Love, Phil

EMO Day!

2005-12-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

emo day - with a whole lot of narcissism.

i'm not in the mood to say too much today. i just feel awful, emotionally.
feel like i'm such a useless person, i'm serious. vacations are a bummer, man. but i finally got some time to do what I love. I took some photos of myself. narcissistic, maybe. but then why not.
i didn't post the photos because i don't want you to see them and get up all in my face
if my photos are too awful for your eyes, i'm sorry. you can shut up

it's perfectly fine that you don't believe in appreciating me. but i love myself and i shall do what i want and be happy.
bear in mind, this is my blog and i shall post whenever i fancy posting. =)

the missus says i'm a pretty preisdent.
les told me i'm a little prince

if you don't agree, you are mediocre and unworthy of my attention.

Driscoll Drag

2005-11-28T13:34:00.000-08:00

This Driscoll/Mars Hill thing is a real drag, man. The Falcon is involved, of course, so the professors are telling them to do their job and getting all in a huff. Geez. Everyone relax. Have a mallomar break. Things will work out. First, professors, no one reads the Falcon. So who cares what they write about? Second, Falcon "staff" if you want readership, then you gotta do something edgey, something catchy, something that will lock in the readership of the youth. You know what you should do? Publish my blog! A "Best of Phileaton.com" would definitely solve your problems. Because my blog, unlike your paper, appeals to the masses, people all around the country are reading my blog these days. Other University presidents have started to follow my trend. Lame-O BIOLA people have copied my trend, trying to ride my coattails as always, and have created a Christian Bloggers Network.
What Would Jesus Blog?
This is all too much. Driscoll, Falcon Newspapers, Theology profs, all the more reason for me to take off for a couple months, watch some cheech and chong movies and get my head together.

Peace Love Phil
P.S. While I am gone, you'll still be able to reach me on facebook and through email.

President's Christmas Concert Sold Out

2005-11-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

Fans, The Christmas Concert is already sold out! I am that awesome! Whoa! Now do you believe in my awesome-itude, Lessy-boy? Eat your heart out Gerard Schawrz, I am the best thing that ever happened to benaroya!
Peace Love Phil

Enemy #64

2005-11-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

Jill Bush.
How did she move up in the ranking so quickly?
-Bashing my Rootbeer Keggar
-Openly downtalking speedracer
-Not loving cheetos

Why You Should Hate Her:
-Stealing the name of our beloved President of the Nation
-Studying German
-Liberal
-Public school eduacted

Redeeming Values (why she is not ranked higher):
-knows that Saved by the Bell was God's greatest gift to humanity
-zach cartwright vouched for her (and I once saw Zach steal a lick of les steele's ice cream cone while Les was looking the other way, too busy talking to someone he thought was important! Way to go Zach!)

Pirate Threat Diminished!

2005-11-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

The bad news is that pirates are real and still a major threat to our safety and security. Read recent news releases here
Luckily, Good Ol' Phil Eaton was planning ahead and Luckily I convinced the board to build an ArchWay in front of Tiffany Loop to keep these Pirate men (as well as Free Methodists) at bay. I am proud to say that all SPU students will be kept safe this year.

God Bless SPU!
PEACE LOVE PHIL

2005-11-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

Even Famous, Celebrity Pirates are kept at bay thanks to the new Arch that guards the entrance to SPU's Tiffany Loop.

From W. to W.

2005-11-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

President Bush gave me a shout out in a recent stump speech: "I also want to thank Phil Eaton and all the good folks here at the University"
I don't know what I did, probably something Les cooked up, but you got to admit that is pretty dang cool.
Read the whole article here.

peace love phil
Phil Eaton

Can Christians REALLY Change the World?

2005-11-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Last night was pretty rad. Pretty much it was the awesomest night of the year. If everyday could be just like halloween night, what a wonderful world it would be.
However, my head is still spinning and I can barely function this morning. To make things worse, Les wants me to speak in chapel. I figure, if no one shows up I can go back to bed. Awesome. So here are the cliff notes:

Can Christians Really Changes the World?
Yes.Hitler was a Christian. So were a lot of his Nazi buddies. Ted Bundy was a Christian. The Wright Brothers were Christians. Ronald McDonald is a Christian. Pac-Man: Christian.
And don't forget me! I am a Christian and I am also blowing through changes in the world with my revolutionary blog--bringing news, gossip, and opinion to the masses in a way no other university president ever has done before!

2005-11-01T07:57:00.000-08:00

Christians CAN change the World!!!!!!!!!

halloween story

2005-10-31T09:17:00.000-08:00

It's Close To Midnight And Something Evil's Lurking In The Dark. Under The Moonlight You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart. You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It. You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes; You're Paralyzed.
You Hear The Door Slam And Realize There's Nowhere Left To Run. You Feel The Cold Hand And Wonder If You'll Ever See The Sun. You Close Your Eyes And Hope That This Is Just Imagination, But All The While You Hear The Creature Creepin' Up
Behind. You're Out Of Time
Night Creatures Call And The Dead Start To Walk In Their Masquerade. There's No Escapin' The Jaws Of The Alien This Time. They're Open Wide. This Is The End Of Your Life.
They're Out To Get You, There's Demons Closing In On Every Side. They Will Possess You Unless You Change The Number On Your Dial. Now Is The Time For You And I To Cuddle Close Together All Thru The Night I'll Save You From The Terror On The Screen,
I'll Make You See.
That This Is Thriller, Thriller Night. 'Cause I Can Thrill You More Than Any Ghost Would Dare To Try. Girl, This Is Thriller, Thriller Night. So Let Me Hold You Tight And Share A Killer, Diller, Chiller. Thriller Here Tonight.

Men's Soccer

2005-10-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

Is soccer even really a sport? I mean, I guess we are doing really good now and so Les is making me go because it is like the first time in 6 years that the men's soccer hasn't lost more games than it's played. But still, is it a sport? Does anyone care? I polish off a bowl of fruity pebbles every morning, but I don't keep tabs on my victories. Soccer is a dead sport, kinda like Spanish is a dead language. And can men even play soccer? Cause the only thing I really know about soccer from the news is that it involves stripping off your sports bra while running around on the lawn. Don't get me wrong, but that is not a sport, it more like a typical night on 6th Hill. Another reason why soccer is lame is because the nachos they serve at the stands suck. All hot sauce and no chesse.  What is up with that? So I tried to sneak in my own last year and I got caught and had to strip down and be searched. The dogs found my Mr Pibb 3-litre bottle and my 18ft licorice rope. However, my malomars were safe because I keep them close to my heart. And that night I vowed never to go to another soccer game without my treats. So Les is buying me red mill before the game and their pumpkin shakes are pretty good this year. But then again if Les wants me to go so bad it is probably gonna be another one of "his" boring things to go to. For example: the trustee meetings. That stuff is totally lame and not everyone wants to be a part of your little clique okay Les? Gosh. Nate Ellis so knew what he was talking about--about how this campus excludes people who purposely act to not be apart of this campus. Too True, Nate too true! Why is Nate Ellis the only one who "gets" me? And yet he still hasn't agreed to be my friend on FaceBook? Nor will Dr. Braden be my friend and that hurts. We used to be tight. Sure, I stood for everything you stood against and Les and I muscled you out of your administration position, but those were good times, right? Now they are moving the KSPU office and the C-store is falling apart because Dale isn’t there to keep it from imploding. With all these problems going on around campus… (and don’t forget the big one: no stealing food from gwinn. How rude! I want to eat when I want to eat. Setting aside certain times of the day to consume unlimited amounts of food is so BIOLA and that’s not what we are about) I am surprised to see that students aren’t aloud to drink…. On campus…. Even if they are not of age. If we want to be a city on a hill, then we should set ourselves apart by issuing minors special passes so that they can drink all over town. Sobriety has been done, folks! Hello!?!?!?!?!? Look at Utah! Is anyone impressed? Nope! And they even have special underwear that they wear while having sex. Being totally lame will not win people to Christ. (take notes, Les.) You know what will though? Movies like the “Passion of the Christ” or the equally acclaimed (by Christianity Today) major motion picture “Veggietales: The Movie” That movie rocked the house down to the ground! The pirates who don’t do anything? I dig their style.

Anyhoo… all of this is to say that Soccer is an evil on par with communism and SPU has no place participating in this sport. Goodnight!

TONIGHT: Seattle Area Christian College All-Out Rumble

2005-10-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight, challengers from more than 55 christian colleges in the PNW will meet in FFMC to take on Yours Truly. This is an all-out rumble to decide who will be King of the Christian Colleges of the PNW and the winner gets to take on Clyde Cook at BIOLA in the semi-regionals. I'm all over that.
I mean, who is going to stop me? St Martins? Sorry, catholics! The only indulgences we have here are the weightloss candybars and they taste pretty evil too. PLU? Sorry, Lutherans. They are like the John McCain of Protestants. They claim to be protestants, but really they are catholics in disguise. Who else wants a piece? See? No one else can handle my cunning skill in the ring.

2005-10-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

SWEET! I Totally Get a Dozen Doughnuts! And make them Winchell's only the top of the line for a University President!

Elijah Wood: Still Gay!

2005-10-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Elijah cannot help but be gay. How else do you explain this? Elijah, I bet you 2 dozen doughnuts that you can't go one day without being utterly gay.

Look who gets to eat at the Big Kids' Table!

2005-10-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

I received a lot of criticism for my skeptism regarding the issue of the factuality of Avril. This picture clearly shows that Avril is merely a very human-esque Muppet!

Midday lectures suck!

2005-10-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today's day-of-learning wanna-be non sense was uber boring.
And for the most part it ignored the more important news of the day.

For all you losers who thought LOTR was fiction...

2005-10-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

There are things we know and there are things we don't know and there are things we know we don't know and then there are things we don't know we know and then there are things we know we know but are afraid to admit we know. Poor Frodo.

Floor Hours Break

2005-10-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

Did you see Prison Break tonight? It was SOOOOOOOOO rad! Oh mi gosh. phew.
I don't care what Steele and his fancy pants ratings and reviewers say about the show. It "rocks out with its cock out" (as the kids say these days to indicate hardcore coolness... like the Fonz, okay? Les, aka Potsy, settle!)
Anyway, I don't think they are going to make it out. That is the whole joke and it will be awesome! Everyone will watch it every week waiting for the prison break, wait for it wait for it wait for it. They won't do it, not even for sweeps.

And then I'll be laughing last cause I got to watch every episode with the 5th ashton women. Downloaded and burned on to DVD just so that we can watch it after floor hours.

technology is awesome.
Phil

325 Lives Changed Forever.... Aint no Party like a Phil Eaton PARTY!

2005-10-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

I just confirmed the 325th person as a close personal friend of mine through the medium of facebook. BOO YAH!
All I gots to say is Phil Eaton is rocking this campus! How many friends does Dr Braden have Two? Three at the most? Probably all nerds anyway. How many does Les Steele have? None! Does he even have a facebook account? Probably too busy drinking carrot juice or something stupid like that. Ha ha, loser! You already got glasses, what good are carrots gonna do you now?
To the two people I rejected as friends, I want to apologize. I was having a rough day: I didn't get my mallomars yet. How can you start a morning with out chocolate cookies? If you ask me to be your friend again, I will so hook you up. You will be the first to know the next time I plan a raid on the Hickory Farms store at the northgate mall.

Peace out my homies! All 325 of you!

Phil

Zombie Costume earns Rating of 8

2005-10-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, mi gosh. Is this kid scary or what? He totally went all out, like Les Steele in the wesleyan theology collection in our library. Double Mallomars for this guy. Students, keep sending in your halloween costume ideas. This guy gets an 8, losing points only because the costume is merely mud. But gaining lots of points because there is a lot of mud. Afterall, mallomars are merely chocolate bars, but when there are a lot of them they are even more awesome!

More Bad Costumes

2005-10-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

This is a step up. Nerf guns are rad. But mexicans are scary. Nice try, devilsuck!

Bad Costumes:

2005-10-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

This is the stupidest halloween costume EVER! If you come to my house dressed like this I will not only not give you a mallomar, I will kick you in the junk so hard you'll wish you'd have gone to Les Steele's halloween alternative: "harvest-time festival." Loser!

Halloween Excitement!

2005-10-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am so excited for Halloween! Of course, this year, as always, I will be passing out malomars. But only one to each trick-or-treater. I am going to dress up as a monkey. And your costumes better be good or else I am keeping your malomars for myself!
Here are some examples of good and bad halloween costumes so that you can start planning now!

Peace out!

MONKEY PHIL

Monkey Phil

2005-10-04T17:26:00.000-07:00

This is my costume this year. Frickin RAD!

Steele Special

2005-10-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

I designed this one for Les, but he declined it. He said he doesn't believe in halloween. He said he was hosting a halloween alternative which he happily called "Harvest Time Festival." Loser.

Falcon Madness

2005-10-04T17:24:00.000-07:00

This is the Rick Jackson/Falcon Staff Special

All kids Love Clowns, except clown-kids

2005-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

How could you not want a big mac. It'd make him so happy.

Take my mallomars when you pry them from my cold dead fingers.

2005-10-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

This is just plain scary. You don't even have to say trick or treat I will just give you the mallomars. But seriously, don't even come near me dressed like this cause I might freak out, go crazy, lose my mind. And the only thing that could set me straight again would be malomars, but you took them all. Now what am I going to do? EEK! This is not happening, not happening. Just a blog, not real. Phew. Precious Malomars.

2005-10-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

Phil Jr.?

Today's reason to celebrate: The Birth of Meatloaf!

2005-09-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

On this day, September 27, in 1947, Marvin Lee Aday was born. Since then he has gone on to change his name to "meatloaf," sell 35million copies worldwide of his album "Bat out of Hell" and appear in several cult classic movies such as "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "Fight Club." Let's all celebrate by listening to "Bat out of Hell" and taking in an additional viewing of "Fight Club" in order to celebrate another great Cultural legacy!

Commerative Meatloaf to be served in cafeteria.

2005-09-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

On this day, September 27th, in 1947, the original Meatloaf was baked. Since then it has gone on to be an integral part of every meatloaf, beefbrisket, sloppy jo, and beef fagoli soup, made in the university dining hall, (now known as Gwinn). So let's all dig in to this tasty, timeless dish and celebrate another great SPU legacy.

First Day of Class 05

2005-09-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first day of college. It is important day that marks the passing of time and tells of what is to come.
In all the excitement of the first day, don't lose sight of the important things that need to get done.

-You only have five weeks til you absolutely need your textbooks to study for the midterm.
-Stake out your table at gwinn. Or be forced to sit on the awkward East side where people in line for corndogs make you feel guilty for already having food.
-Between classes, hangout in the NE corner of martin square. Trust me, just trust me.
-Don't get caught up in the novelty of the omelete bar, there'll be plenty of time for that later in the quarter.
-Ask out the superfly honeys today. If you make friends with them first, they'll want to not ruin that.
-Only nerds go to coffee with their professors.
-Get up on time today. Tomorrow you can sleep in cause there is a convocation.
-Cool kids can hang out in the library, only on the first floor and not until finals week. Only nerds go to the 2nd and 3rd levels. Who is going to see you there? And only supernerds even know about the basement.

Those are some good guidelines for the first day of school.
Well, I've done my work for today. I'm going to catch a slice and a frosty at Zeek's. See ya there.

Westside Philly

Calling in Sick

2005-09-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

I tried to call in Sick today but Les wouldn't let me get away with that.
He told me this story about a boy who cried wolf. And I told him that that was totally not what this was about. And he said "how?" and I was like.... duh, I'm telling you I'm sick, I'm not talking about no wolves in the hills. C'mon, man, you gotTa listen. When Pdog speaks.

Phil

God's Mandate is clear:

2005-09-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

They say that God reigned down His Justice against on New Orleans for their homosexual ways. I don't know a lot about homosexuality, so I stayed out of it. But satelite images from this new hurricane make it quite clear: God wants the Monkees on the big screen. Or at least to see reruns in syndication sometime soon. If He wanted a full theatrical release He probably would have used Davey Jones. But Mickey was good, too. Good enough for reruns.

MixMaster PEaton wrote the book on E-comm

2005-09-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

Most people don't know this, but the internet was my idea. Gore and I were in vietnam writing articles for the army newspaper. I covered the cafeteria beat, writing reviews of the latest variety of gruel.

I said to Al, "Hey Gore, you know what we should do: internet." We looked at eachother and we knew exactly what we had to do: ditch Vietnam and start the internet. We figured that Vietnam could resolve itself regardless of our involvement. Stateside, Gore and I split ways. I moved to AZ and lived in a commune for a summer, writing poetry and experiementing with certain herbages. My studies found that a hint of Rosemary makes any omelete a great omelete. Mmmmmmm......

Gore went and started the internet. I tried to start a rival internet, known as "Internet 2: for those without computers" We'd write out people's email and then mail it to them through the regular mail. But that didn't work. So I sold of the commune, cut off my pony tail and hit the road for Eastern Washington, because that is where I believed the malomar factory to be located. A rosemary omelete makes me crave the malomars. Alas, no city of malomars was found in Eastern Washington and I was greatly disappointed. Demoralized, disjuncted, dismayed, I was given an honorary English Degree because I looked so much like an English grad student already.

Anyway, My e-commerce savvy has not left me. And when it comes to e-community I wrote the book on Facebook.

Peace out, my homies
"Mix Master Peaton"

Review: The Emmys

2005-09-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

The real prize of the night was that kiss Patricia Heaton gave to Ray Romano. Mmmmm. She is one letter away from being an Eaton.

Moonies Pies

2005-09-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out in the northgate mall, because I love Panda Express. I mean, c'mon: everyday should be a panda day. At the mall I was approached by a man in all white garb who offered me a rose and of course I excepted because like I totally knew that I was being selected for the next round of "Who Wants to Be a University President?" A reality show which pits university presidents against each other in various games and contests. Surely my "lawn length" plan caught their eye and I was moving up in the rankings. (eat my dust, Clyde. Biola Sucks!)

Turns out, this guy wasn't from the game show, but rather he was a moonie.
I've been a moonie since I was 6 and sent away for the moonie badge, after collecting like 1,000 coupons off the back of Moon Pie boxes.
I have like 500 badges. 30 of them just from banana flavor which really takes commitment because no one likes banana flavored cream pies. yeck.

The nice man invited me to a moonie meeting, where they had moon pies. This day was freaking rad:

1.) Escaping Les Steele's asparagus burrito luncheon
2.) Panda Express
3.) Trash Talking BIOLA
4.) Free moon pies
5.) Moon Pie club... will this lead to an on-campus "Moon Pie Cadre" We can only hope. I call dibs on faculty advisor.

Now that I joined the Moonies, I get all the free moon pies and kool aid I want! AND they gave me a new name "Shau Ma Eaton" I guess that is like the moonie way of saying Phil. I kinda like it. I bet Les's moonie name would be "Nerd Linger Les"

I swiped some moon pies out in my suit, so I got those to eat then I will probably go to bed.

Booyakasha
Peace out Homeys
Phil "Shau Ma" Eaton

Presidential insight:

2005-09-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

You know sells a university to touring students and their parents?
Is it the faculty to student ratio? maybe.
Diversity? some would say so.
Is it where the institution lands in the ubiquitous college rankings? not so much.
What sells a university is where you want to invest. And what sells it is a key academic factor called "lawn height."
That's why in preparation for the new students arriving on campus, we'll have lawnmowers going 24/7 from now til TRADITION. Every minute of every day someone somewhere on campus will be mowing a lawn. I decree it!

Eaton at the Movies!

2005-09-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to "Eaton at the Movies!" where I review, analyze, and comment on today's most popular movies. In this fall issue, I review everything from "The Aristocrats" to "The Transporter 2"

March of the Penguins
Best Comedy All Year! I’ve never laughed so hard. Have you ever seen penguins? They slip and slide and fall in the water. Oh mi gosh, it was hilarious. Double thumbs up!

The Cave
Below Earth lies Hell. Below Hell lies… The Cave. And below The Cave lies the place where they make you watch “The Cave.”

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Pastor Abbot says that when they cast out the demon in the movie that the demon goes into whoever is in the theater.

40 year old virgin
Wow! What an accomplishment… and he didn’t even go to SPU!

Wedding Crashers
I totally invented that, except I didn’t crash weddings or funerals. I crashed Alumni reunions. The class of ‘63 was a bunch of hotties….. Rrrrrrrr.
Booyah!

Brothers Grimm
Creepy… reminded me of Moyer.

Sky High
Superheros in school? Nope. SPU is still better.

Four Brothers
I could take ‘em.

The Constant Gardener
We should hire him to seek out the truth behind the student’s CFE reports.

Proud to be An American

2005-09-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

Entenmann's doughnuts are only $.99 at Walmart! It is totally worth the drive to get this deal. At Safeway they are like $1.09.
Walmart is flipping RAD!

Falcon's landing hook-up folly

2005-08-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

To all you new students, you should know that the SUB is a great place to hook-up but she is also a dangerous vixen who'll play with your heart. Let me tell you my story about a friend of mine named Peaton.
So Peaton and the chef at Falcon's landing had been friends for a while. But one weekend at the SUB things started to get serious. Peaton and the Chef started kicking it up a notch, turning up the heat, spicing things up, and pretty soon every weekend Peaton was getting the chef special: double bacon, double cheese. This was pretty special because Peaton was cool and got the burger when as Peaton's Archnemisis, "Less Teele" was super nerdy and got the lame-o "turkey wrap."
The "Special" was never in writing; it was a casual understanding, something that would happen randomly between friends. Pretty soon Peaton was coming to look forward to the hook up, anticipate it, crave it, salivate just thinking about it. One weekend Peaton was getting the hookup when he saw the chef giving someone else the hook-up. And worse the Chef was giving this other person the hookup with peppercorn bacon and munster cheese. The Chef claimed that he and Peaton were not in an exclusive relationship. Well then what is the point of calling it "the special?"

I'll be a grilled pannini if that same story hasn't played out at the SUB a dozen times--make that a baker's dozen.
Wasn't that a great story? There was love, romance, villains, nerds, drama, comedy, mystery, feasts and famine. I did a really good job with that story.

Phil "The Homer of Hook-ups!" Eaton

Phil me up, Buttercup!

2005-08-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

We all know who Nance is rooting for!

Engagin' & Changin'

2005-08-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

To all the nay-sayers out there, who think their university president is not working hard to engage the culture and change the world (and once the culture is engaged by me, the world will never be the same), I have this to say: Look what I did today:

11:35am skipped out on board meeting to go to 31 flavors. Did you know that they actually have more than 31 flavors? One Word: AWESOME. And if you get a double scoop, you can mix and match (engaging) to make a new flavor (changing). I took rocky road and moose tracks and mixed them to call it "road kill ice cream."

1:45pm After a hearty amount of community building at the ice cream shop, I decided to check out the TV guide to see what is on TV (engaging) and I decided that I am going to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force even though I know Harvey Birdman is the best show ever, just to try things out (Changing).

2:59pm Last call for the lunch menu at Lee's Chinese Buffett in Green Lake. Gwinn was already closed and Les was lurking around the SUB so I had to get away from all the stress. I decided to try some chinese food (engaging) and it was good. They didn't have a lot of dessert options though, which made me sad. So I told them about road kill ice cream and they seemed to like it. If you go there in the next week check to see if they've added it to their menu (changing).

6:15pm Les has been calling me to play Jeopardy with him tonight (totally lame) it's like work after you're done with work. Instead I got 3 foot long subs(Changing) at subway for the wicked awesome low price of $11.95. After that I tanked out into a food coma for a couple of hours (engaging).

11:15pm Woke up in time for harvey birdman, and thanks to the jolt cola (engaging) I was able to call in the birdman fan quiz and win a free BMX bike (changing) wicked awesome! look out all you hill hall lame-os tanning on the beach, starting tomorrow, it's my new dirt track.

Peace,
Love,
Phil

EATON FOR PREZ in 2008

2005-08-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Christopher Walken recently announced his bid for the presidency.
He'd make a pretty good president. But I'd be a rad president. I'd support the troops. I'd just think: "If I were in the iraqi desert, what would I want." Then I'd fly in pizzas and rootbeer floats for everyone. I'd be a rad president. I'd also tackle the education problem. America's falling behind other countries in academic performance. But I know what america is all about and it is not about nerdy, steeley, academics. It's about bombing other countries. So the new academic challenge will be a one-on-one championship ring dodge ball tournament with yours truly. If a kid can take me on in the dodgeball court, then they pass the SAT. That'd be rad. Nerds suck; jocks rule! Hear that, les? I'd be a rad president.
Oh wait I already am a president. AND I am already rad. It's all good.

Peace
Love
Phil Eaton

Falcon Frolf Classic Returns Sept. 9th.

2005-08-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Falcon Frolf Classic Returns Sept. 9.
Entries are now being accepted for the 26th annual "Phil Eaton is Rad" Frolf Classic. Held at the Tiffany Loop and surrounding areas of the SPU campus on Friday, September 9, it begins at 11:30pm and finishes in time to watch Conan Obrien, who is wicked awesome by the way. The Frolf Classic benefits the Phil Eaton's Mallomar Fund. The cost is $75 and covers a small breakfast sized bag of trader joes granola, and all your frolf caddy fees. And don't use the cost as an excuse not to come, because if you are not there, everyone knows it is because you're afraid of being dominated on the Frolf Course by your own president. Besides, frolfers are eligible for a wide array of prizes, the top prize being a 2 litre of Jolt Cola! Register early to ensure a spot and for a foursome preference. For more information, call (206) 286-6469.

By the way this is the same day as the Falcon Golf classic, so now all you nerds and Les Steele wanna-bes out there are gonna have to choose: the radness of phil eaton or the "Lesness" of les Steele.

See ya on the frolf field, suckers!
Phil

SPU Faculty Member Honored at National Convention!

2005-08-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to pass on to you some good news I heard late tonight. One of our own SPU administrators has received top honors at a convention held all this week. Please join me in congratulating Tami Anderson-Englehorn for winning this week's nationcal championship Jodie Foster look-a-like convention.

New Students will enter the Pearly Gates

2005-08-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

I hope you all like the new gates at SPU. I figure this is a good way to keep filthy marauders like Jack Sparrow off the SPU campus. Les wanted to install large pearly gates in the loop to "set apart" the university's academic and spiritual ingetrity. I don't even know what that means. All I know is that I and my mallomars are a lot more safe now that we have the gate on the loop. Sparrow can suck it.

With All the Pain and Suffering In the World....

2005-08-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

.... It's a wonder that people cannot enjoy the good things more.
Like Mallomars. I had 4 boxes today. I am doing my part.

Faithfully yours,
Phil

Today's Deep Thought

2005-08-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

I
am
Awesome!

Meditate on that for 3 hours and then see what kind of day you have.

Booyah!

Phil

"Must Love Mallomars"

2005-07-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

60ish, greying university president seeks new dean of student life to run daily affairs on campus and take me out to ice cream.
The ideal candidate would be someone who enjoys forcing students not to drink. Should probably be Christian.
Hippies who care more about recycling than the university making money need not apply.

Admissions... Argh, Admissions.....

2005-07-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

So Les says we have to let people into SPU based on merit. The only merit I need is to see how many mallomars one could eat in a week. It's a long time, I know, I designed it to test your endurance.
But Nooooooooooooo, that test isn't could enough for Les. Now I have to read all these letters from applicants.
Here is a typical letter:

Dear President Eaton,
I've been thinking of going to SPU. I've been praying about it a lot.
Blah Blah Blah crap about divine calling blah blah blah
Can you tell me more about SPU?
Sincerely,
Some Poor Lame-O

I hate reading letters. Instead, if you want to apply to SPU, you should submit your photo to www.hotornot.com and let democracy take action. God bless the Greeks for inventing democracy and the internet. But God also condemn the Greeks for the falafel. Gooey chickpea, mayonaise infested turd in a pita bread. Yelch! How can Steele stand this stuff. Oh, that's right he's a nerd.

My work here is done, folks.
I RULE!

Peace Out
Phil

Being President

2005-07-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today I ate 16 corndogs in gwiin, drank 7 glasses of chocolate milk, then passed out.
I woke up four hours later and that way didn't have to pay to get in for dinner.
If that's not being the best gosh darn president you've ever seen at a University or Company or Nation-State, then I don't know how to please. Unless.... would you be please to know that at dinner I downed 12 egg rolls and 3 glasses of that powerade-orange juice combo that the crew team drinks. Yelch! But I did it. Can Clyde Cook do that? Can Bill Gates eat 56 peeps in thirty minutes? Can Vicente Fox hide 1.5 lbs of brocolli from his dinner plate so that the Mrs wont catch him feeding it to the dog?

Phil Eaton, "The Great"